I Dink I Hab A Code

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Why does it always seem that the dreaded cold comes on at the worst possible time? I guess when you think about it, though . . . there really is no "good" time to feel under the weather.

I so wanted to be Captain McSuavee tonight and write the post to end all posts. I was envisioning turning on so much charm, wit and general studliness that the entire blog universe would come crashing down in an avalanche of unparalleled verbal geekiness upon realizing that I . . . the great and wonderful Ben O. had finally set the blog-bar too high to ever match again.

The only problem (other than the fact that I can't even write two decently funny words in a row) is that I feel considerably less than interesting tonight. I know it is something of a cop-out, but hey . . . that's the breaks.

So, come on in (I'm pretty sure this flim-fest isn't contagious over the internet), pull up a seat and check out something from the archives. Take a look way back when and let me know what you think of how we've changed for the better (hopefully) or possibly the worse (I know where you live.)

I'll be back to my annoyingly irresistible self before you can say "Ouch! That hurts!"


Ben O.

Free Of Charge

Okay people, here are a few Post-Thanksgiving freebies for ya . . .

- That stuff sitting next to the turkey labeled "Cranberry Sauce" is neither a berry nor a sauce. Eat it at your own risk. It tastes sort of good, but the consistency is literally beyond bizarre.

- The only way to truly remove a set-in giblet gravy stain is to vigorously rub a mixture of lighter fluid, dandruff and chilled perrier all over the soiled garment while ritualistically reciting the lyrics to your favorite Backstreet Boys Christmas song. It works every time.

- Did you know that we came awfully close to having the Wild Turkey as our national symbol instead of the Bald Eagle? Benjamin Franklin lobbied pretty hard, but ultimately lost out to an overwhelming effort on the part of the Eagle coalition. On a lighter note, the Pygmy Rat Weasel was also temporarily considered, but the Eagle and Turkey entrants kept eating all of the exhibition specimens, so nobody actually had a chance to vote for them. It's too bad . . . they're such cute lil' critters. And, they can eat over three times their weight in dryer-lint in less than an hour. Impressive.

- Beware the "Congealed Salad".

- And last, but certainly not least - What the heck is a "Cheetah Girl"? I'm not a certified wildlife expert, but I could have sworn that I saw three animal print sporting, bling-bling having teenie-boppers prancing around and lipsynching their souls away in front of Macy's Department Store while Matt and Katie irritatingly flashed and bantered their way through another Thanksgiving Day Parade . . . or was it all just a horrible nightmare? Probably both.

Glad to be of service -


Ben O.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (Or Feedback Friday #12)

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

It's the day after Thanksgiving all across America and what should be a wonderful time of basking in the fattened glow of way too much leftover turkey and stuffing with a bunch of snoring family members on the couch has become something much, much darker . . . Black Friday.

Yep, stores everywhere opened their doors at the butt-crack of dawn this morning for one reason and one reason only - to enable us as wide-eyed and drooling consumers to be sucked completely down the hideous vortex of embarrassingly outrageous expenditure. I'm pretty sure you could hear the collective screams of all those suburban soccer moms being trampled outside Toys 'R Us stores from Des Moines to Spokane all the way over in the Temple Bar district of downtown Dublin (Terri help me out here . . .)

So, as a response to the horror (and a way of spreading a little post-thanksgiving joy) I have a two-part question for everyone out there for this week's edition of Feedback Friday:

1. I want to know what you are thankful for this year. This is the part of your comment where you get to be totally sappy and let your heart just spill out on the keyboard.

2. I also want to hear about any bizarre or even terrifying Black Friday shopping experiences you managed to live through this morning. This is the part of your comment where it should get a tad bit freaky.

Can ya handle it?

This should be fun . . . or at least interesting.


Ben O.

Coca Cola - It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Why the heck do Dr. Pepper and Coke run ads on television? It's not like I spend all of my spare time just sitting around downstairs on the couch in my undies waiting for some creepily over zealous spokesperson with way-too-big teeth to wipe away decades of intensely loyal Coke drinking with a couple of cute, sparkling words about how good Dr. Pepper is supposed to taste. Here's a little tip - I don't like it, dude. And while I'm at it . . . I don't like you . . . dude.

Now I'm certainly no financial wiz-kid, but couldn't at least a portion of all those bloated advertising budgets be better utilized simply by handing out little cards with crisp dollar bills attached saying "Enjoy the free money, please drink our product"?

Why just last week, myself and the overworked, underappreciated Procrastination Station student-intern personally took an informal 275,000 person survey and even though all but 3 of the individuals we approached replied that they were "moderately to extremely uncomfortable" with the people administering the questions, the good news is that every single person on the planet checked the box labeled - "I will never ever switch from my favorite soft-drink to brand X no matter how many scantily-clad babes are dancing around in tight, sequined outfits and no matter how often the most popular baseball player in the big leagues says he likes it."

All-righty then . . . now I'm just waiting for those scientific studies that have discovered the proof that Coke is actually good for you to come rolling on in.

Still waiting . . .


Ben O.

BTW - I actually do spend some of my time sitting around downstairs on the couch in my undies . . . but I'm never gonna switch to the darkside.

Take that - Dr. Pepper!

Quickie Postage

Here's one for ya . . .

Just when you thought that your iPod (I know, I know . . . nobody out there has one. Just play along - it makes the post work much better.) of yours was only good for music, porn and attracting scratches at an alarming rate . . . along comes a couple of old, bald doctors to turn this marvel of the too-techno-savvy-and-culturally-hip-for-their-own-good on it's lil shiny, white head.

Steve Jobs is spinning in his grave and the dude ain't even dead yet.

Even with all my considerable skills of wit and intellect (I heard that!) I couldn't write it any better than it actually happened. Check it out for yourself.

Just think about it the next time you're laying there on that cold metal table with the surgeons all standing around you waiting for the gas to take effect. Your vital stats and infinitely valuable medical records might be carried around on the very same High-School grade killer that your prepubescent son has grown more attached to than oxygen.

It's just a thought . . .


Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#11)

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Is it possible to track the slowdown in hand-eye-coordination that occurs with extensive prolonged New Belgium - Fat Tire consumption?

I humbly submit that it is. We here at Procrastination Station are all about research and how it can improve our lil' society. So, as soon as the room stops spinning, I will file my report and everyone will be that much happier for it. Right?

Now . . . to the question at hand.

It's Feedback Friday again and I am curious about which actor or actress you think would make a good person to play you in the movie of your life.

That's it . . . that's the assignment.

This should be fun.


Ben O.

I Can See The Lips Moving And Yet There Is Still Nothing Intelligent Coming Out

Sorry to weasel out again and avoid having to actually pony up and think about what to say in yet another post by simpy clipping in one of my favorite Redmeat cartoons from the ole' archive, but I just get such a kick out of them.

The last time I checked, it was still my blog, yes?

Good, now sit down, finish your cheerios and start laughin' at the pretty lil' comic strip.

Laugh I said. I don't hear anything.


Ben O.

BTW - In my humble opinion, we as a society simply do not use the word "jive" nearly enough anymore.

What a waste.

Two For The Price Of One

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

What happens when you get tagged twice in the same freakin' day? The way I see it this is a clear sign that you are spending way too much time blogging and you have two choices. You can either unplug your beautiful new computer, calmly walk over to the second-story window and toss the sucker out, confident in the warm-fuzzy feeling that you are doing the right thing and thus allowing yourself at least the chance to finally peel your butt off of the chair . . . or you can respond.

It was pretty close, but after 20 unsuccessful minutes of trying to get the window open, I decided to go ahead and respond -

Lingo - here you go . . .

1. I have had an operation.
Nope - I did break my arm once though, because I thought I could turn the bicycle handlebars without actually holding on to them. Let me go ahead and fill everyone in on this . . . you can't.

2. I once stole a car.
Nope - a few songs off of Napster, but never a car.

3. Once I had a live frog visit me as a house guest.
I'm quite confident that I don't even have a clue what this means . . . I almost wish I did have a frog that would come by and play nintendo sometimes. It might be fun.

4. I own over 40 watches.
Nope - just the one. There is no witty comment that would even work here . . .

5. I do a tarot reading every day.
Nope again - I will admit to a sort of "lick-the-finger-and-hold-it-up-to-see-which-way-the-wind-is-blowing" test each morning. You can sort of feel how the day is going to go. At least sometimes you can.

6. Sometimes I wear tin foil in my hair.
Uh . . . nope. Not since, they outlawed it in Colorado.

7. I've never been swimming.
I was on the High School Swim Team. And yes, I know what you are thinking and yes we did have to wear speedos and yes it was a tad revealing and NO I haven't worn one since graduation.

Next question, please . . .

8. I once hid a lobster under my bed.
This is actually a strange one, because I sort of have. Way, way back in the day we caught a bunch of crawdads and put them in an aquarium and about a year later, we found one all dead and crustified under my parent's bed. I don't know if they even know about it . . . can you get dooced by your parents? We shall see.

9. Sometimes I sit and stare at the clock for up to 4 hours at a time.
Nope - can't say that I have ever done that. I can people-watch for 4 hours easily.

10. I'm licensed to drive a bus.
Nope - , but I think it would be cool to buy an old school bus and fix it up into the ultimate hooptie-mobile. There is a lot of room back there.

11. I once got kicked out of a wax museum.
Nope - but I have a very vivid memory of going to a wax museum haunted house back in the day. Pretty scary, let me testify to that.

12. Me and Jay Jay went to Hawaii for Christmas.
What can you say . . . I was drunk and he was such a nice guy and he offered to pay for the flight.
NO of course not. I've never even been to Hawaii and when I do it ain't gonna be with Jay Jay.

13. I once conducted a research experiment.
Yep - got the BS degree hanging on the wall to prove it too.

14. I've never been to Fargo North Dakota.
I actually can't remember. Brother O, help me out on this one. We drove up to Winnipeg and probably got close to Fargo, but if I had to guess . . . I would say no. The movie is one of my all time favorites, though.

15. I've met Christina Ricci.
Nope.

16. I watched a baby hippo being born.
Nope, but watching a baby hippo being born has got to be better than watching an adult hippo being born.

17. I collect potato chips that look like Cat Stevens.
Nope - I eat potato chips that look like Cat Stevens.

18. I have been to New York.
Yep - way back in the day.

19. I keep my Aloe Vera in the fridge.
Nope - We keep our passports in the freezer, though. Don't ask . . . I think it has something to do with that being the only place that it would be safe in a fire or something.

20. I used to keep scrabble letters in my pillow case.
I don't even think this sounds like a good idea. I like to keep pillows in my pillow case. I'm strange that way.


AND now Sadie, here you go -

1. What color are your kitchen plates?
We have everyday white and fine china off white with silver rims.

2. What book(s) are you reading now?
I keep them up over on the left side of the blog. I have been reading an interesting book about real-life grizzly bear attacks called "Mark of the Grizzly" by Scott McMillion and I just started Nicholas Evans's newest novel "The Divide".

3. What or who is on your mouse pad?
Totally lame Dell factory mousepad that came with the computer. I like it though, because it doesn't get gross and dirty like the cloth-covered onces used to.

4. What's your favorite board game?
Trivial Pursuit. I also like this game we have that is sort of a combo board game and card game called Sequence.

5. Favorite magazine?
Right now I am taking Cargo, The Writer and Sunset. They are all really interesting. I occasionally get subscriptions to various skiing magazines too, but not this season.

7. Least favorite smell?
I almost yack everytime I everytime I smell sour cream.

8. What's the first thing you think of in the morning?
I usually read some in the morning. The Bible or whatever book I am working on at the time.

9. Favorite color?
Blue

10. Least favorite color?
I am not into any of the pastels for some reason.

11. How many rings before you answer the phone?
Well, if I don't get it before 3 it goes to voicemail. Sometimes (like during Supper or during a show, that is exactly what we let it do.)

12. Future children's names?
Wait and see . . .

13. What is your sign and birthday?
Gemini - June 18th

14. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Doesn't matter. I will, but I can't say that I have ever had a jonesing for just the stems.

15. If you could have any job what would it be?
Music, Restaurant and Electronics critic for a magazine. Chocolate taster would be pretty cool, too.

It's too bad some sugar daddy corporation hasn't come along and decided to pay me for writing this lil' blog.

16. If you could have any color hair what would it be?
Maybe red . . . to match my freakin' beard.

17. Is the glass half full or half empty?
If it had Guinness in it originally, then it is completely empty.

18. Favorite movie?
Highlander, but I like alot of movies and there are quite a few that would probably come in a close second like Memento, Heat, Star Wars. The list goes on and on.

19. Do you type with the right fingers on the keys?
Yes, my class in High School was probably the last in history to actually take a typing class on get this . . . typewriters. It was really lame at the time, but I am actually thankful, because I can still type the correct way.

20. What's under your bed?
An inflatable kayak. Don't ask.

21. What is your favorite number?
I never really thought about it. 7 is pretty cool I guess.

22. What is your single biggest fear?
I don't really like flying all that much, but for some unexplained reason I always seem to be doing it.

23. Person(s) most likely to respond?
I'm going to leave this blank - I welcome any and all responses. Please also feel free to post your own answers on your blog.

24. Who is least likely to respond?
(See Above)

25. Favorite CD?
U2 - The Joshua Tree. It was actually the very first CD I ever got. Thanks Brother O.

26. Favorite TV show?
Cold Case Files (The A&E version) and CSI. I also like Who's Line is it Anyway reruns.

27. Ketchup or mustard?
Ketchup for sure.

28. Hamburgers or Hot dogs?
Hamburgers with lots of ketchup.

29. Favorite soft drink?
Everyone? COKE

30. The best place you have ever been?
Three way toss up between Edinburgh, Paris and Jamaica.

31. The most amazing sight?
Sometimes when we make it to the top of a fourteener I am just amazed at the sight. The Rockies are absolutely beautiful.

32. What screen saver is on your computer right now?
I am so boring - it just turns itself off after a few minutes.

33. Favorite burger?
There is a greasy spoon in Waco, Texas called "Cupps" that makes the absolute best hamburgers on Earth. If you're anywhere even close and get the chance - take it.

34. Favorite pet?
We don't have one now, but I had a lot of fish growing up.

Okay, that's it . . . now more tags for at least two or three days.

I gotta eat sometime, people.


Ben O.

Dooces Wild

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

You know that feeling you get when you're standing in line at the local grocery store behind 27 people who all have their checkbooks and their ruffled up, unreadable coupons already laying on top of their way-too-full carts and all of a sudden, as the assistant manager comes over to perform yet another price-check on Winnie-the-Pooh toilet paper, your mind just gives up and starts to leave your body, floating out into space as if frantically searching for a way out?

Well, this post isn't about that.

Instead I want to discuss a new word I discovered while surfing the ole' internet the other day - Doocing. For those out there who have never heard of it (and I was among you until recently), this is essentially the art of getting fired because of something you decided to put in your blog. Hello? I guess these lil' online journals of ours are starting to cowboy up and venture precariously out of the living room, making their way over to the wild side, if you know what I mean? (How the heck could you . . . I don't even know what I mean.)

Now I'm certainly no expert, but maybe it wasn't such a primo idea to include your mailing address, phone number, social security number, ATM pin number, blood type and favorite color when you posted that list of 1001 reasons why you hate your boss and his wife and their kids and their pet hamster and the earth and the sky and the universe. I just have one word for you, Wonder-Chimp . . . anonymity. Or was it proximity? No wait, I think it was senility.

Nevermind.

The point here (and I'm pretty sure that there might actually be one) is that the instant you press that "publish blog entry" button, all those looney thoughts that once resided safely within the comfy confines of that cracked peanut you bewilderingly call a brain are suddenly dancing around on the screen in front of every single person on the face of the planet. It's true - look it up.

It's gotta be one of Murphy's Laws that the first time the CEO of your company (who barely even knows your name) ever logs on to a blog in his life is the day you finally decide to fly off the handle and write up a blogpost containing all those dirty company secrets as well as a detailed blueprint to where the hidden money is located.

Who would have thought that the secret recipe for Coca-Cola included eggplant extract?

I'm not entirely sure what all this means, except to say that the ride is certainly worth taking . . . just wear a freakin' helmut, people. Is helmut hair really so terrible?


Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#10)

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

According to my handy, dandy watch, I can see that it's Friday again, and that means the higher-ups here at Procrastination Station are gonna be breathing down my neck again to give them some more information about the reading public out there. What can ya do?

Yep, you guessed it - another installment of the much-appreciated, often-imitated but curiously never over-estimated "Feedback Friday". Before we get started, everyone say hello to Hamish the Highland Bull . . . he doesn't bite, but I wouldn't grab him by the horns if I were you.

Now, for Today's excursion into the unknown, I thought we would roll out our maps, dust off our passports and take a little trip. In honor of my new little link-map thingy (see it down there on the left-hand side of the page?), I thought it would be interesting to find out where we've all been and where we all want to go.

That's it, that's the assignment. I want to know all about the coolest, most amazing place you have ever visited. Tell us all about it. I want to smell the camels and taste the wine. (You've got to be careful not to mix those two up!) I also want you to fill us in on a place you would absolutely love to see before you die. And let's try to have a little restraint here and not all say Flatbedtruckville, Kansas . . . okay?

So, belly up to the bar and fill us in on all of your worldly travels and how they have impacted you.

This should be fun . . .


Ben O.

Redmeat Is Better Than Bluemeat

Check out the Redmeat website if you are so inclined . . .

Ben O.

There Just Aren't Enough Hours In The Day

Okay people, here's another handful of goodies for ya . . .

1. Rod Stewart - on behalf of everyone who has ever heard the song "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?", let me go ahead and give you our final answer . . . NO.

2. Very few things will burn hotter and faster than a 73 page research paper accidentally soaked in rubbing alcohol.

3. One thing is a pair of front row U2 concert tickets purchased on Ebay for $855 dollars.

4. The difference between stripes and solids might seem trivial, until the words "Iowa State Correctional Facility" are factored into the equation.

5. Forgetting your own name is not nearly as problematic as forgetting where the restroom is located.

6. Sometimes the best policy is not to kick the beehive in the first place.

7. I don't care how many times you stabbed him in the face, if he's wearing a nametag that says Freddy, Jason or Mike . . . he's coming back.

8. Pretending to be invisible doesn't mean that you can just waltz into the women's locker-room at 24 Hour Fitness and not get arrested.

9. Never ever play three card monty with a guy whose name is actually Monty. It's just bad form.

10. It doesn't matter how quick you think you are, there's never a good time to try and staple your unsuspecting boss's pants to the cubicle wall-barrier.

Glad to be of service . . .


Ben O.

Adventures In Discount Podcasting

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I can't tell you how many letters we receive here at PS Central Headquarters. I've actually had to stop going down to the mailroom for fear of getting trapped in one of the frequent avalanches of paper. To a one, it seems that every single letter (except that one we got last week from "The Naked Scrabble Players Association") always wants to know the same thing -

When are we going to introduce something new and exciting to the blog?

Let me assure all three of you that the management here at Procrastination Station has absolutely no life due to our seemingly constant combing through any and all available research and our all but never-ending scanning of the Internet for the most up-to-date and groundbreaking technology that we can possibly deliver. Trust me . . . Bill Gates gets out more than we do the week before Microsoft launches their newest version of Windows.

Now I'm certainly no expert on the coolest, hippest new technology out there bouncing expensively from one suburban living room to the next, but much like that often-quoted Supreme Court Justice once said, "I know it when I see it." And people, mine eyes have seen the glory - or more to the point . . . mine ears have heard the . . . um . . . glory.

I'm talking about podcasting of course.

For those who aren't quite up to speed on the latest and greatest, from what I can tell, this is really nothing more than a digital audio file that can be downloaded and played on one's iPod (or any other MP3 playing device. Sorry Mom, I'm afraid that you're beloved 8-track player is decidedly "not podcast ready"). The beauty of the podcast is that it finally frees us from having to read the day's dose of meaningless drivle ourselves, now we can go out into the world and have someone else read it to us.

Hot Dang!

Now - here's the best part. You're going to have the opportunity to participate in what might be the most exciting online experiment in recent history. Today is not only the day after yesterday anymore . . . today could quite possibly be the first day of the rest of your life. I know that might seem profound, but these breakthroughs don't just come along every minute.
(Just ask Steve Jobs - it's more like every two or three hours.)

Okay, enough talk . . . let's get the First Official Procrastination Station Podcast started -

(Directions)

1. Try to stop laughing.

2. Set your iPod (or other podcast-ready device) out on the desk near your computer.

3. Read the text out loud (If you are a female, it helps if you try and lower your voice a little).

4. (See #1)

Thanks for participating. Year's from now we will all look back on this day with fondness at the marvelous new technology it helped usher into our lives.


Ben O.

Seven Up

Okay, here's another tag for ya . . .

Seven things I want to do before I die -

1. Snow Ski in Switzerland (say that 10 times real fast)
2. Write a novel
3. See a baseball game at Wrigley Field and Fenway Park
4. Finish climbing all of Colorado's fourteeners
5. Tour the UK hitting all the pubs
6. Run a marathon
7. Perform in a rock concert before actual living people

Seven things I can do -

1. Name that tune
2. Almost always beat the on-screen contestants on Jeopardy
3. Maintain an aquarium
4. Open a can with a Swiss Army Knife
5. Draw
6. Play saxophone (at least I used to . . . it's been awhile, but I've still got it)
7. Swim all 4 classic strokes . . . including the butterfly

Seven things I cannot do -

1. Juggle
2. Eat just one piece of pizza (come to think of it . . . it should be a crime to only eat one piece)
3. A standing back-flip
4. Whistle by using my fingers
5. The Splits
6. Listen to a Michael Bolton song all the way through
7. Levitate

Seven things I say alot -

1. "Okay, here's one for ya . . ."
2. "Dude"
3. "Out the wazoo"
4. "I'm no expert"
5. "Buffoon"
6. "I am so putting this in my blog"
7. "Would you like fries with that?" (I'm only kidding . . . I couldn't think of a 7th thing.)

Seven things I find attractive in the opposite sex -

1. Heart
2. Legs
3. Eyes
4. Integrity
5. Coolness
6. Sense of humor
7. Willingness to make something I am into (that is so not important) seem important

Seven celebrity crushes (I am changing this one to "Celebrities I am into", thus allowing me to include some dudes) -

1. Chevy Chase (Still the funniest out there. I would pay good money to see Fletch III)
2. Al Pacino
3. Robert DeNiro
4. Bono
5. Stephen King
6. Oprah (Every guy out there reading this is wondering why, but I would be up for meeting her . . . no doubt.)
7. The Cast of Who's Line is it Anyway?

Okay - that's it . . . that's the freakin' list.

Any complaints can be typed out on a crisp $100 bill and sent postage paid to yours truly.


Ben O.

You Want Me To Park Where?

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I'm not exactly sure when or how it happened, but the last time I looked, the standardized driving exam currently being administered all across this great nation of ours had somehow metamorphosed into something that doesn't even resemble what I remember taking the day after I turned 16. I could have sworn that I was required to sit down in my car, put the keys in, turn it on and . . . drive.

Is anyone with me?

I still get that crazy deja-vu vibe everytime I go to parallel park between a couple of cars that are just a little bit too close together. I must be totally losing my mind, because I can almost see that uniformed "driving-test" guy sitting in the passenger seat frantically checking away on his clipboard like some kind of deranged point tallying super-freak. I'm almost certain that I read about how the American Medical Society recently did a research study about the exact symptoms I have and they determined that it was none other than the dreaded DMV-itis. Very painful and very contagious. Watch out - stand in too many lines and you too could catch it.

Now, I'm certainly no expert, but I would just bet that if you asked any of the current batch of shiny new drivers to tell you what they think parallel parking is and you'll hear something like this -

"Sure Gramps, that's when I'm driving around in an over-crowded parking lot and I see an open parking space about 4 rows over and just as some old dude (read 30-ish) in his Jeep Grand Cherokee turns on his signal and is about to turn into it, I speed up, cut through a really narrow opening in the row, sideswipe a couple of cars, almost hit 3 people and zip into the parking spot right in front of the old dude. Am I right?"

Yep . . . sure Sonny. Why don't you go ahead and go play your video game some more.

Now I admit that I don't as yet have have any actual proof (and believe me . . . it ain't for lack of looking), but I find it pretty danged hard to believe that every single time-bomb-on-wheels out there zooming by me at just under the speed of light sat for anything remotely similar to what I went through to get my license. I wouldn't be at all surprised to discover that the current driving test is just a tad bit easier than in years past.

I can see it now . . . simply writing your name at the top of the paper probably gets you to within 5 points of passing without having even roused the brain to start thinking thought # 1.

I suddenly feel like taking a long drive through the city.


Ben O. (Hey, look at that . . . I'm already within 5 points of passing.)

The Day After Halloween

Here's one for ya . . .

Why is the day after Halloween the un-creepiest day of the entire year?

I get into all the fun and exhilaration of Halloween just like (if not more than) the next guy, but dude . . . when I woke up this morning all of the spiders, bats, cobwebs and various other creepy-crawlies that we had placed around our apartment seemed a tad bit lame. Wasn't it just last night that I was huddled over in the corner behind the couch shaking spastically as Count Dracula himself appeared on the TV screen and all the while the ghoulish sounds of my "Swamp of the Living Dead" CD were oozing eerily out of the stereo speakers?

I believe so . . .

Today, in the piercing light of mid-afternoon, all of the creepy contraband necessary to get that really authentic "haunted apartment" look that I strive for each year, just looks pathetic. Totally played out.

I guess it's time to sweep it all back into the coffin and close the crypt for another year. Maybe I'll bust out my "Monster Mash" mp3 in a couple of months and rekindle the scary feeling of halloween. Probably not, though . . .

Once the witches all fly away for the year (where the heck do those darn witches go on November 1st anyway?) and Freddy, Jason and Mike Meyers have all taken off their masks and found their way back to the asylum, there isn't really all that much left to be afraid of . . . until you hit the shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving.

Now that is scary!


Ben O.