I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
My Photo
Location: Colorado

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

You Want Me To Park Where?

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I'm not exactly sure when or how it happened, but the last time I looked, the standardized driving exam currently being administered all across this great nation of ours had somehow metamorphosed into something that doesn't even resemble what I remember taking the day after I turned 16. I could have sworn that I was required to sit down in my car, put the keys in, turn it on and . . . drive.

Is anyone with me?

I still get that crazy deja-vu vibe everytime I go to parallel park between a couple of cars that are just a little bit too close together. I must be totally losing my mind, because I can almost see that uniformed "driving-test" guy sitting in the passenger seat frantically checking away on his clipboard like some kind of deranged point tallying super-freak. I'm almost certain that I read about how the American Medical Society recently did a research study about the exact symptoms I have and they determined that it was none other than the dreaded DMV-itis. Very painful and very contagious. Watch out - stand in too many lines and you too could catch it.

Now, I'm certainly no expert, but I would just bet that if you asked any of the current batch of shiny new drivers to tell you what they think parallel parking is and you'll hear something like this -

"Sure Gramps, that's when I'm driving around in an over-crowded parking lot and I see an open parking space about 4 rows over and just as some old dude (read 30-ish) in his Jeep Grand Cherokee turns on his signal and is about to turn into it, I speed up, cut through a really narrow opening in the row, sideswipe a couple of cars, almost hit 3 people and zip into the parking spot right in front of the old dude. Am I right?"

Yep . . . sure Sonny. Why don't you go ahead and go play your video game some more.

Now I admit that I don't as yet have have any actual proof (and believe me . . . it ain't for lack of looking), but I find it pretty danged hard to believe that every single time-bomb-on-wheels out there zooming by me at just under the speed of light sat for anything remotely similar to what I went through to get my license. I wouldn't be at all surprised to discover that the current driving test is just a tad bit easier than in years past.

I can see it now . . . simply writing your name at the top of the paper probably gets you to within 5 points of passing without having even roused the brain to start thinking thought # 1.

I suddenly feel like taking a long drive through the city.

Ben O. (Hey, look at that . . . I'm already within 5 points of passing.)


Blogger Underachiever said...

..and you get 10 points for "Almost Stopping" and the proper technique for "Flipping a Bird" while on your cellphone text messaging with your toes.


PS The eye exam is also a Joke. I overheard an old man at the DMV actually reading off animals from the eye chart.

old guy: ummm bird, cow, platypus

DMV Engineer: good enough for me! NEXT!

10:00 PM  
Blogger Terri said...

Someone steals my parking they're gonna get the Full Wrath of Terri brought down on their head. Shouting abuse at strangers in the traffic is my favourite venting technique. I have no shame.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Undr - I agree with the eye exam thing . . .

Maybe there is something to a class that teaches the proper way to flip the bird. Come on people - we need some technique here. Some finger exercises so that middle finger pops right up there when someone cuts you off. Your wasting time organizing your fingers with the other hand. This has to be a "one hand and one hand only" gesture.

Terri - I thought I heard something yesterday coming from over Ireland way . . . was you upset at someone and shouting again?


Great stuff - Ben O.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Lingo Slinger said...

Judging by the sheer number of idiots on the road over in my neck of the woods, i'd be willing to bet that our driving tests have become easier too!

2:10 PM  
Blogger KayseaLove said...

I heard they have TONS of restrictions, but that totally contradicts your message. (i.e. Kids can't drive after dark)

Nice depiction of the "deranged point tallying super-freak" That guy made me nervous... so nervous in fact, I just randomly turned on my blinker for no reason.

I think the only reason I passed my driving test by one point (because I drove over the curb and into someone’s lawn three times) is my grandmother was with me and she kept flirting with the old DMV guy.

(Granny Voice)"Ohhhh, He's cute."


3:35 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Lingo - I'm gonna need to see a hardcopy of the Canadian driving test to verify.

Kay - great image . . . Nothing like carting your Grandmother around to get you out of all of life's lil' predicaments. I don't think it would work with every grandmother . . . there needs to be at least a modicum of sex appeal and the last time I checked, that goes down as the age goes up . . . yes?

btw - you wouldn't happen to have a picture of Granny, would ya?

No, I take that back . . . too creepy, even for me.

Ben O.

3:56 PM  
Blogger BeckEye said...

I've always been of the opinion that no one on the road can drive, except me. I'm proven right on most days. ;)

4:50 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

I'm with underachiever. That eye exam is scary. Especially here in IL. Downright scary...

Oh, and apparently, they don't teach "right-of-way" here either.

5:20 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Drivers have always sucked. Maybe as we get older, we become more aware of our mortality and statistically, I know that if I'm going to die before 80, it will be car related. A lot of folks my age feel the same way.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

My mom works for an optomitrist (sp?) and she has people drive themselves to an eye exam.
Oh yeah, and they are legally blind.

9:26 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

The guy who was with me when I took my drivers test had the same birthday as me, so I think he was feeling a bit generous that day... but I can drive.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I'm so with Terri on screaming abuse at stupid drivers while in traffic. People always tell me I'm going to give myself a heart attack, but generally, once I've parked the car at my destination I've forgotten most of the idiots I just screamed obscenities at.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Oops, I gave somebody the double bird yesterday. Fucker didn't stop at his stop sign while I was stopped at mine and ready to go. He just shook his head at me like I was at fault. Those are the people who piss me off the worst.

10:46 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home