I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Monday, October 17, 2005

Assistant Director Skinner Wants To See You In His Office . . . Pronto!

Here's one for ya . . .

I'm sitting here in my undies listening to a rerun of the "X-Files" thinking to myself that as cool as the dude is, the name Fox Mulder really is sort of silly. Why not just name the poor kid Apple?

Now I'm certainly not a qualified expert, but the last time I looked, the big Alien Invasion of '05 had been called off due to a faulty hyperdrive on the ole' Falcon. Standard procedure would be to put Three-Pee-O right on it, but he was last seen marshalling a Gay Pride parade somewhere on the outskirts of Lincoln, Nebraska. The current rumour swirling around the galaxy now is that the Emperor himself is considering calling in either Lt. Ohura or that little green martian from Looney Tunes infamy.

I think we're relatively safe.

From the aliens at least.

Now, what about vampires or dudes turning into wolves? It is creeping up on Halloween, after all. Unfortunately, as anyone who has studied the classics already knows, Agent Scully's firearm would undoubtedly prove to be absolutely useless on any rogue, un-tagged lycanthropes that happen to wander out of the pre-approved enclosure. Gotta use a silver bullet on those excessively hairy bad-boys. The trend these days is to go with platinum or even white gold, but it just isn't the same. I can't even count the number of times that I've shown up on the scene . . . the widow crying over by the car, a thick layer of fog twisting through the trees and some poor sap laying on the ground ripped all to shreds because he loaded his gun with those hip new Electrically Plated, "like" silver bullets. When will they ever learn?

For my money it doesn't get any scarier (or more heavily mythologiesed) than a good old-fashioned vampire. Count McDracula himself. He flies, he drinks blood, he never grows old . . . but sunlight instantly kills him. Wow! I would have picked a slimmer window of vulnerability if I were you, Nosferatu. That's just me, though.

Let me get the window for ya.

Oops! That's probably gonna leave a mark.


Ben O. (The Truth is Out There)

12 Comments:

Blogger Nonny said...

I don't know Ben, vampires have alot of things that could kill them. Sunlight, decapitation, fire. Plus they become horribly disfigured by holy water. The clothes totally rock though.

PS: It's Marvin the martian :)

6:05 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

I couldn't remember that lil' dude's name. I always loved his helmet and the "eludium P-38 space modulator" (and you accent the or in modulator). That guy needed some stress management. Wasn't he always trying to blow up Earth because it blocked his view of something?

Ben O.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

*laughing* Good post. I loved The X-Files until it started getting all conspiracy theory on me. As soon as The Smoking Man became a regular on the show--it was over.
Nonny's right, there are a lot of ways to off a vampire. Have you seen Lost Boys lately? Best 80's movie right there.
"death by stereo."

9:39 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

I forgot about "The Lost Boys" - that was a pretty cool movie. Kiefer mad a pretty good vampire. You never think of them being blond.

The soundtrack for that movie is really good - there is a cover of "People are Strange" by Echo and The Bunneymen that is worth getting the entire album. Two INXS songs that are really cool too.

I agree with the X-Files comment. My favorite episodes are the ones that are stand alones . . . no vast conspiracy or smoking man. I like the one with the dude who can tell how people will die. I also like the one where two magicians team up to rob the bank. There is also a really good one that is all about vampires co-starring Luke Wilson. I think William Gibson and Stephen King even took their turns writing episodes - one is cyperpunkish and the other is about a doll that is haunted. You figure out who wrote which.

:)

Ben O.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Terri said...

Also, don't forget the wooden stake through the heart - did you learn nothing from Buffy? I'm afraid Interview with a Vampire (specifically Antonio Banderas in it) and Angel have left me with a very romantic view of these creatures of the night.

And I agree - The Lost Boys is one of my favourite movies ever!

By the way - loved this post :-)

10:33 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

How hysterical. As a person who loved the X-Files and still is very much into vampires, great post! I'm a Halloween baby after all. It's in my blood. =)

10:43 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Halloween rocks!

Thanks for all the "Great Post" comments. That always makes a guy feel good about what he has to offer the Blog-reading World.

Yep, for some reason the creepy-crawlies out there have always fascinated me. I am so into all of those movies - Interview, Lost Boys, Dracula, etc. I always felt that the X-Files was a scary movie trapped inside a science-fiction television series. (that made no sense)

Terri - I neglected to mention the ole Stake through the heart bit, because I thought that was pretty much fatal to anyone who recieves it. The sun thing to me is a little bit funnier. (Can a creature burning up in the sunlight be considered "funny"?)

Ben O.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

I totally own The Lost Boys soundtrack. Remember that weird song, "Cry little Sister" or whatever. I like the song, Don't let the sun go down on me...

The scariest X-Files episode, for me, was the worm in the sewer. I didn't like the episode with those weird inbred brothers that kept their mom under the bed. Did you see that one?

12:36 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Who didn't see that one?

That one is truly scary. I have to admit that I will turn it off when the mother under the bed episode comes on because it is just creepy.

Ben O.

12:51 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Standard procedure would be to put Three-Pee-O right on it, but he was last seen marshalling a Gay Pride parade somewhere on the outskirts of Lincoln, Nebraska.

Nooo! Please don't tell me C3-PO is gay. Next thing, you'll probably say Boy George is gay too. Say it isn't so.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

C3-PO is struggling to find himself. I have confidence that he will realize soon that he is . . .

a freaking robot.

I Love Star Wars and would never intentionally do any harm (actual or imagined) to the members of that historic cast.

Ben O.

8:59 PM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

I loved the X-Files... until the last season.

OT- how did you get your banner up?

1:53 PM  

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