I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
My Photo
Location: Colorado

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

That's It . . . That's The List

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

If we could somehow toss Dracula, Ron Popeil and Dog the Bounty Hunter into a large padded Ultimate Fighting Arena Chamber, who would emerge victorious? I humbly submit that, after much spraying of mace and biting of jugulars, and to the inevitable chagrin of the entire viewing public, it would probably be Captain Sells-a-Lot himself. Although Dog's wife might have something to say about it. (And you don't want to upset that woman without pre-arranged police protection.)

Let's face it, next to made-for-tv movies, ice-skating and Michael Bolton, infomercials are the bane of every American's existence. No un-stoned person in their right-mind would ever be caught dead sitting around in their underwear late at night watching 3 hours of Kenny Rogers and the fourth runner-up in the 1984 Miss South Dakota Pageant trying to sell them a 15 disc Favorites of Instrumental Country Collection.

I feel like watching "Deliverance" for some strange reason.

Now I'm certainly no expert on the fineries of Italian Cuisine, but the last time I inadvertently ventured into the local grocery store, I could have sworn that I saw an entire cornucopia of relatively inexpensive, perfectly normal-looking pasta. They had the stuff right out in plain view, sandwiched in-between the canned soups and those funkly little jars of pimientos. The natural assumption then, is that whenever I get my next sudden craving for penne with butter sauce, I could simply waltz over to the nearest supermarket, smack down my buck-fifty and purchase a big, beautiful bag of pre-made pasta. Thereby wholly avoiding the need to call up Mr. Popeil at the Ronco World Headquarters and order one of his $375 Noodle-Press-O-Matic 2000 Home Pasta Makers. As everyone now knows, I sort of ditched my only College level Economics class, so I'm admittedly playing with substantially less than a full deck in that department, but I'm pretty sure that the afore-mentioned "pay-as-you-go" plan is still relatively sound fiscal policy. Am I even close here people?

For cryin' out loud . . . let Yogi do a freakin' tattoo on an actual customer already!


And what exactly does it say about anyone that is actually still awake when normal programming is suspended for the night and the infomercials are let loose? I'm pretty sure the word you're looking for, but are too kind (or afraid) to utter, is "Blood-Sucking Vampire". It's almost October, the season of Halloween, so I think we can go ahead and call it what it is . . . the crypt has been laid bare and the creatures of the night are sitting three to a couch in apartments across the country. I could go on, but believe me it ain't pretty.

Ronny-baby . . . sell away! You got any of those rotisserie ovens tonight? I could really use a $459 leg of lamb slow-roasted in it's own juices.

Ben O.

BTW - I want to shout out a big thanks to everyone for helping me make some changes to the blog's appearance. I know everyone has just been dying to know what I'm reading.

I especially want to thank James O'Conner over at Bloglogo for his help with the new banner. Great work dude - thanks alot!


Blogger BUDDESS said...

Maybe you should put down that Stephan King novel...."blood-sucking vampires". That could also be why you are awake when the infomercials are screened..

12:37 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

I like the blog header--looking good...

Now you can: "Set it and FORGET IT!!"


3:32 AM  
Blogger James O'Connor said...


It was a pleasure working with you on your banner.
I'm going to send you a few more trying a different font as we discussed.
Just like Henry said "set it and forget it". :) Enjoy!

5:03 AM  
Blogger Terri said...

Aw look @ da pretty picture!!!

Dude, were u stoned when u wrote this?

5:16 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I mock, but I can't help but watch. Sure, I don't know what I'd do with a rotisserie, but I'm sure I could put a food dehydrator to work.

7:32 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Bud - I am addicted to King . . . and yes I probably am something of a vampire, although no blood sucking. I have to admit to being happiest after midnight.

Henry - Thanks, I think I might set it and forget it. Now pass the dehydrated fish sticks.

James - I am looking at the alternative banners now. I might slide one in from time to time. (I guess that wouldn't be setting it and forgetting it, huh?)

Terri - never . . . never. Only legal stimulants here - Guinness and Starbucks Gautemala Antigua.

Trin - let me know how that works out.

Ben O.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

ben... looks nice in here. i'll come and visit again.

have you ever watched the infomercial for the total gym. the one with chuck norris.

yah, we totally bought that.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Steph - thanks for the drop-in . . . I liked Chuck alot better when he was simply wearing cowboy hats and kicking bootie.

Ben O.

9:59 AM  
Blogger clara* said...

i think in a close fight like that dracula would win but if they were in a war then ron would win for sure.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Yep - he would simply assault the others with his two-fisted pocket-fisherman attack.

You can't stop the Ronster!

Ben O.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn said...


12:14 PM  
Blogger Reagan said...

i'm a huge (closet, nevertheless) fan of DAWG the bounty hunter and his largest of bosoms wife, beth. if it were tagteam...they would come out on top.

like your new look, btw!

5:38 PM  
Blogger arkie said...

Diggin' the new look, Ben!

My favorite infomercial of Ron's has got to be that spray hair in a can product to help cover bald spots. Because, yes, that is sooooo realistic looking. I couldn't tell the difference between your natural hair and your spray-on hair. /end sarcasm

8:17 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

I do like Dracula, but locked in a fence, he'd have some problems. Like he wouldn't be able to summon wolves or bats.

I'd love to be able to summon a bat. I'll have the bat flutter around their head and when the poor bafoon (I like that word, I think I'll use it) starts swatting at the bat and takes his eyes off yours truly, POW! Right in the kisser.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I understand where you're coming from picking Mr. Popeil, but I really think Dracula would win, because Ron would get all caught up in trying to sell one of his gadgets and Dawg would be way interested in picking up one of whatever for the Mrs. Dawg. Dracula would prevail!

11:13 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home