I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Location: Colorado

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Un-Sexiest Thing Ever (Part One)

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I woke up this morning reminiscing blissfully about flyfishing the South Platte River earlier this week (It's good to be back, btw) when, as I turned on the bathroom lights, I just about had a heartattack. Apparently, it doesn't take a full moon to cause the werewolf to emerge from the shadows. Staring back at me through the mirror was what looked like either a Madame Tussaud's wax interpretation of Ted Kaczynski or one of Sasquatch's long-lost Southern relatives.

Now I know God never thought to ask us as his creation what we would change about the whole human condition and the mortal coil we're all currently hitching a ride upon, and far be it from me to recommend any drastic changes . . . but what is up with all the ear hair? Is it really necessary that we, as maturing males have small shrubs growing out of the sides of our heads? Is anyone with me on this? Anyone? Hello out there?

Fine, I'll just go it alone. Who needs ya anyway?

Seriously. . . I can remember, not too terribly long ago, when 30 seemed like it could possibly be the end of life as I knew it. Back then, I could still get out of bed without producing a bizarre cryptkeeper-like symphony of sounds that would make those cartoon cereal-elves Snap, Crackle and Pop envious. If I only knew then what I have unfortunately come to know all-too-well now . . . I would have invested heavily in one of those Swedish therapeutic back-massage companies (oh, and I might have thrown a little cash in Microsoft's direction too.) Who would've thought that a supportive, comfortable pair of shoes would become the ultimate object of desire? Pretty pathetic, huh?

Now I don't want to get a bunch of emails inviting me to kindly shut-the-heck-up until I'm at least 40, when you're officially allowed to join the "Bitch and Moan"Club. Let's just call it practice, okay? The last time I checked (and I check frequently), I could've sworn that one of my unalienable rights as a tax-paying, CNN-watching American citizen was the right to complain ad nauseum about the rampant relocation of hair from my head to other, less-primo locations. This isn't Transylvania here people!

Man, I feel like howling at the moon for some strange reason. Where is that number for Cletus's House of Hair Removal? I know I have it here somewhere.

Great, now I'm losing my mind too.

Ben O.


Blogger LB said...

I'm glad you had a good excuse for not posting since LAST FRIDAY! My only advice to you about the whole earhair thing is have your tried one of the "Personal touch" mini razors? They do actually work. They help with nose hair also which I think is a little more noticeable than ear hair and alot grosser. Keep that in mind!

11:05 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

I actually kind of like the whistling sound that nosehair makes when you breathe out.

Is that strange?

Ben o.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Nytro said...

yea... i don't know what it is with guys and ear hair either, but what really gets me is my husbands nose hair which seems to appear overnight. there's a lot of things i will grudgingly put up with: farting and burping to name a few. but i refuse, REFUSE to look at the man i love with hair coming out of his nose. this is not acceptable and is not an option!

12:24 PM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

It would be nice if someone had a reasonable explination for why that happens though. Why the ear? I don't get it.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn said...


3:23 PM  
Blogger Steven Swain said...

Head over to your nearest Sharper Image and pick up a nose and ear hair timmer.. That'll fix everything.

6:54 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

Hahahaha!!! Oh wait, I shouldn't laugh... women don't get ear hair, do they? Eeewww!

7:09 PM  
Blogger Laylah Queen of the Night said...

Hey Ben!

Well, I wish I could co-sign with the ear hair thing, but...perhaps you can get a nice waxing? Hope that helps...

4:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you have to be a tax-paying, FOX-Watching, American citizen to be able to complain :)

5:33 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

Ben----not only am I also a member of the Ear-Hair-On-Men Club---I'm also the president-
*Secret Handshake*

Why does this happen? Please someone tell us!

Maybe our mothers were wrong--the hair doesnt grow from your palm--but from your ear! Yikes.
Not that I've ever done anything like that.

5:57 AM  
Blogger jenbeauty said...

Welcome back and here are some clippers...have at it!

6:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Now that was a cute story. I like getting older, but I don't like the surprise hairs. It's SO wrong to have that happen to you when you're female. =)

7:00 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Just think, it only gets worse. I know how you feel, every year my body seems to feel a little more brittle.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Hey all - apparently we aren't witty enough with our comments to get MOM to come out and play.

Where the heck is she?

Nytro - I'm a dude and I all but refuse to hold a conversation longer than 3 minutes with another guy whose nose hair is long enough to move when he talks.

Livewire - your little avatar picture actually looks like it might have some female (albeit) feline earhair. Sorry, Sis.

Queen of the Night - I shudder to think how painful it would be to wax a human ear. Can they even do that?

Henry - *Handshake*

Jen - thanks for the clippers.

Beth and Scott - Glad to hear I ain't the only one who thinks mid thirties is old. Wouldn't it be cool to get more healthy and strong as we get older?

Ben O.

8:34 AM  
Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

I myself don't have ear hair and I wouldn't know if my husband did becuse he doesn't like hair growing anywhere that it shouldn't. I hear the clippers in the bathroom a couple times a day. He's very well groomed EVERYWHERE and I mean that in the most masculine way:0)

9:24 AM  
Blogger Little Miss said...

gee...my marraige hasn't been taken to the 'clip my ear hair for me' level yet, but if it was, I'd tell you to bat your eyes at someone who REALLY loves you...

10:16 AM  
Blogger Terri said...

I'm glad we gals don't have the ear-hair problem... but I'll join in the whining session to say I DO object to those stray eyebrows that have started appearing on my chinny-chin-chin...

11:07 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

My boss has some crazy ear & nose hair days. I figure those must be the times his wife is mad at him, and she doesn't warn him before he leaves the house.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just waiting to see what the general consensus was about ear hair before commenting. But, Henry, and the rest of you males, don't blame your mothers. I have seen a lot more dads around with that delightful gene to pass along than I have moms, thank you! Just the price you pay for growing older. Love to all of you, hairy or not . . . MOM

1:50 PM  
Blogger dsweetz said...

Love the strange tricks your body plays on you as you age!!!!! How old are you grizzly? (just kiddin! lol)

2:38 PM  
Blogger Chloe said...

I appreciate that you care about the situation and are trying to rectify it - so many guys just don't give a damn!

3:32 PM  
Blogger arkie said...

Eeww, ear hair is just so old-mannish. *shudders*

7:30 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Hey Everyone - say hello to Mom.

Believe it or not I am a very youthful 32. It's not like I can braid them or anything, but I just don't see the point in having any earhair at all.

Yep Chloe - I grand size damn is certainly given here.

Arkie - As much as I admire the greats like Einstein and Twain, I just don't aspire to look like them.

Get a freakin' trimmer, dudes.

Ben O.

10:23 AM  
Blogger k said...

Gaaah! This is so wrong! You tease me with Flyfishing on the South Platte and then launch into an excess body-hair diatribe... *so wrong*... (try nair, a razor and good tweezers in that order) But, I gotta give you this -- you're right... it is the absolute unsexiest thing *EVER*.

9:05 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

K - I apologize. I guess I'm just a big tease.

Ben O.

11:27 AM  
Anonymous George said...

Hello. Just looking for what combination of fly fishing rod and line I should be using to get more distance in my casts in faster water? Can anyone comment?
fly tying

6:25 AM  

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