I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Location: Colorado

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Finally . . . a Post About Cell Phones

Here's one for ya . . .

Given the choice, would you rather have a cellular phone receiver surgically implanted in your skull or a dollar bill changer attached to the small of your back? Take a wild guess what slot all of those shiny new Statehood Quarters are gonna come flying out of.

Clearly this Star Trek-run-amok scenario is a tad on the preposterous side, but sadly an entire Airport Mariot full of more-than-willing teenage guinea pigs would have each undergone a similar type of surgery had the Nebraska authorities not been alerted in time. I believe that the sign outside Banquet Hall "B" read "Alien's are trying to communicate with you . . . are you properly equipped yet?"

Yikes! The last time I looked, those implants did NOT come with extra brain cells . . . unfortunately.

I'm no expert, but doesn't it seem like a fairly decent idea to at least consider prying that cell phone away from your ear before the calcification starts to solidify and permanence sets in? If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times. Just about the time the emergency personnel are finished with the table saw and have to get out the jaws of life, the poor victim usually breaks down and finally decides to hang up. "Bye Johnny, I'll see you in 5 minutes." I don't know about you all, but I think I'm going to start carrying around a small towel so that I can sop up all that nasty ear-sweat that magically coalesces after about an hour on the phone.

The good news is that cell phones are cheaper and more readily available than they have ever been in history. The bad news is that now you can be reached any time, anywhere and by anyone - there simply is no escape. A few years ago, if you wanted to disappear off of the face of the Earth you either had to move to a tiny cabin in northwestern Alaska or sing backup vocals on a Michael Bolton Christmas album. Unfortunately, that won't work anymore. Thanks alot Motorola.

I can't even keep track of the number of times that I've been 2o minutes into an intriguing conversation with some guy in the movie theatre restroom only to discover that he was actually talking to his personal trainer on one of those "ultra-cool" miniature earpiece receivers. That one usually stings a lil' bit.

And what about the all-too-familiar and considerably less-than-cool ringtones? (No . . . maybe we should hold off on that. I feel an entire post waiting to be written on that one.)

It's not that I want to erect a giant cell phone bonfire and swiftly and decisively eradicate this annoying little plague from our society once and for all. Really, I don't. Maybe I just need to give the tiny devices another chance and learn to embrace all of the wonderful technology they possess. At least I'll finally be able to take a 0.5 megapixel photograph of my Rootie-Tootie-Fresh-And-Fruity Pancake Platter at IHOP and email it out to everyone I know. That's something.

Excuse me - I really should get this.

Ben O.


Blogger Master of None said...

I could not agree with you more. I refer to those gadgets attached to ears as "growths." Is that necessary to be able to be reached, and even more necessary to be hands free.

4:49 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Yeah, cell phones. This year I gave up and got one for myself and the kids. The kids are getting to the ages where they are unsupervised and I wanted them to be able to reach me, but I find myself using mine at stupid times. I'm no addict, but still ... do I need to have conversations while running errands? No, I do not!

6:47 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

I have a cell phone but I never use it. It is hopelessly out of date. It doesn't take pictures, or have voice mail, or a fancy ringtone. I love it.

7:07 AM  
Blogger Mrs.T said...

OMG, this post made me laugh. My husband made me get one, so I can blame him...

PS. GK, YES YOU DO! Otherwise I'd be SO much more lonely.. LOL>>

8:07 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I have a cell phone, and I curse it every day. It has crappy reception, never works when I need it, but it always rings at the most inconvenient times.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I gave in last year and I'm ambivalent about it. Works well when you're lost in a strange town, but I like to think I use it sensibly. If I'm out to dinner, I won't answer it, unless it says Grandma. You have to answer Grandma's calls.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Flash said...

I can't stand those things. I remember flyine one time, and was seated next to a woman who talked on it until the stewardess told her to hang it up, in which she got shot with a nasty look, like the womans conversation on the quality of her moms meatloaf (I'm not kidding) was more important then the airplanes gadgets working without possible interferiance. As soon as we landed, she was back on that thing, chatting away.

When stuff like that happens, and I don't have a baseball bat handy to crack the idiot in the head, I just pick up the phone, pretend to call somebody, and just relay the conversation that their having to an imaginary person on my phone.

They usually get the picture.

10:27 AM  
Blogger marrie said...

The other day my husband and I were going to the grocery store and he said, "Where's my phone?" "I don't know," I replied. "Well do you have yours?" "No" "Well then we can't go" he said, "We have to have a phone!" "WHY?" I asked, "We never used to have cell phones, and now we always have to have them, we need a cell phone intervention, we are addicted!" "FINE." He said, and was grumpy for the whole rest of the day.
Cell phones make me crazy, but they are nice to have when you are locked out of your car, or when someone dies at the store you are at and the ambulance blocks your car in and you are gone for an hour longer than you thought you would be and there are no payphones around because everybody has cell phones. Trust me.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Yikes - Marrie, that sounds a tad nasty.

Thanks all for the great responses.

For some strange reason I was actually worried about his post - I thought I might be the only one out there that has such a sore spot for the darn things.

Apparently, I ain't!

Later - Ben O.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn said...



3:29 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Just having some fun with the phones, Dis.

You might want to check your keyboard - I think the Caps Lock is broken.

Wink, Wink

Ben O.

4:25 PM  
Blogger ~*Stephanie*~ said...

MMMMM IHOP...Yummy I want some..


4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, what a can of worms you have opened now. Cell phones are one of those wonderful inventions that IF used properly, can make your life run more smoothly, BUT if used in an inappropriate manner, are one of the rudest toys I have ever seen!!! I keep one for my convenience and for emergencies, but can find no possible reason to have one of those almost invisible ear piece receivers, and chatter away in the grocery store, stores, restaurants and bathroom stalls! I cannot imagine any conversation that couldn't wait for the privacy of your home. NJ

5:01 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Hey everyone - Say hello to my Mom.

Hey Mom - tell Dad thanks for the idea for this post. I want to give credit where credit is due.

See you guys this weekend.

Ben O.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Chloe said...

My cell phone is a pile of junk. But the more pressing concern is...are teenagers really that stupid?!

5:21 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Hello, Ben's Mom.

5:54 AM  
Blogger An Extraordinary woman in a mediocre life said...

yup its horribly inconvenient to be reached anywhere, anytime... permanently on call to all...thank god they dont have life time batteries yet.. there is still the excuse of a dead battery ;)

6:52 AM  
Blogger Chief Slacker said...

I used to hate cell phone and people who had them, then my car died on the side of the interestate at night in the middle of nowhere. And when I say middle of nowhere, I mean taht after the hour wait for a cop to spot me, and a 45 minute wait for the all to religious tow truck driver, it was a 12 mile drive to the neaest shop. heh.

I have one now and to save nmoney it;s become my only phone. Luckily I don't let it rule me yet.

7:23 AM  
Blogger LB said...

Ben, great post. where ya been the rest of the week. I hope you stopped by the site. I want to see you at the Blog Flash Mob today. Details at the site.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Jodes said...

BEN - I left the link to PacMAN in 3 places, GO FIND IT. Hint go to my blog.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn said...



1:35 PM  
Blogger KayseaLove said...

I just use my cell phone for drunk dialing.

"Hi, I am in a bathroom in Boston, some chick is in here showing her boobs."

See what happens when Mardi Gras is out of commission. All the flashers have no where to collaborate so they run amock, flashing at random.


9:18 AM  

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