On The Road Again . . . Again

Here's another one for ya . . .

Would you rather have your teeth drilled without any anesthesia or sit in traffic for 15 minutes? This very question was posed to the entire lunchtime crowd at Furr's Cafeteria in downtown Kansas City and surprisingly some guy actually picked the traffic.

The problem, as I see it, is that we all have to use the very same roads to get where we happen to be going. It's a little bit like trying to squeeze a week's worth of toothpaste through one of those novelty loopty-loop straws in 30 seconds or less. At first it's sort of fun, but after awhile it just gets sticky and messy. (Where was I going with this visual?)

I'm no expert, but seeing as how we are able to spend millions and millions of dollars on things like relocating the endangered Purple Dung Beetle to more suitable wetland habitat and the impending designation of Nevada's Giant Ball of Twine as an official National Treasure, couldn't we please throw a couple of bucks at the current traffic problem? I'm not proposing anything radical, just a Nationwide Traffic Police Force that has the unfettered authority to quickly and efficiently remove any and all automobiles that happen to be inexplicably stopped directly in front of me. Is that asking too much?

Maybe the answer is none other than the newly invented and yet-to-be-thoroughly-tested "Traffic-alizer". This tiny contraption promises to not only rid our city streets of the irritation of traffic forever, but according to the owner's manual it can also store and play up to 3,000 of your favorite MP3s. And the nice thing is that it only costs $750. Picture this - you get in your car and start to turn the key, when all of a sudden a mechanical, programmed voice asks you where you think you're going. Failure to immediately provide a convincing reason for why you think you should be allowed out on the road, and the car won't start. I can see the highways clearing up already.

The truth is that unless everyone suddenly packs up and moves to Brazil, we're probably going to be stuck with some degree of traffic for the time being, so the best approach, I guess, is to make as wise a use of all that extra time as you can. For my money, you just can't beat a nice relaxing session of in-car yoga to put everything back in perfect, harmonious balance and to ease the stress of sitting in the exact same place for 3 & 1/2 hours. Let's begin. First, place your hands on the dash and extend each of your legs straight out the window in either direction. This position is called the "Downward Facing Driver". Good . . . now remain prone and arch your back until your head hits the windshield or you hear a loud cracking sound .

I think I need a medic.

Or at least a new steering wheel.

Ben O.