I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Location: Colorado

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

On The Road Again . . . Again


Here's another one for ya . . .

Would you rather have your teeth drilled without any anesthesia or sit in traffic for 15 minutes? This very question was posed to the entire lunchtime crowd at Furr's Cafeteria in downtown Kansas City and surprisingly some guy actually picked the traffic.

The problem, as I see it, is that we all have to use the very same roads to get where we happen to be going. It's a little bit like trying to squeeze a week's worth of toothpaste through one of those novelty loopty-loop straws in 30 seconds or less. At first it's sort of fun, but after awhile it just gets sticky and messy. (Where was I going with this visual?)

I'm no expert, but seeing as how we are able to spend millions and millions of dollars on things like relocating the endangered Purple Dung Beetle to more suitable wetland habitat and the impending designation of Nevada's Giant Ball of Twine as an official National Treasure, couldn't we please throw a couple of bucks at the current traffic problem? I'm not proposing anything radical, just a Nationwide Traffic Police Force that has the unfettered authority to quickly and efficiently remove any and all automobiles that happen to be inexplicably stopped directly in front of me. Is that asking too much?

Maybe the answer is none other than the newly invented and yet-to-be-thoroughly-tested "Traffic-alizer". This tiny contraption promises to not only rid our city streets of the irritation of traffic forever, but according to the owner's manual it can also store and play up to 3,000 of your favorite MP3s. And the nice thing is that it only costs $750. Picture this - you get in your car and start to turn the key, when all of a sudden a mechanical, programmed voice asks you where you think you're going. Failure to immediately provide a convincing reason for why you think you should be allowed out on the road, and the car won't start. I can see the highways clearing up already.

The truth is that unless everyone suddenly packs up and moves to Brazil, we're probably going to be stuck with some degree of traffic for the time being, so the best approach, I guess, is to make as wise a use of all that extra time as you can. For my money, you just can't beat a nice relaxing session of in-car yoga to put everything back in perfect, harmonious balance and to ease the stress of sitting in the exact same place for 3 & 1/2 hours. Let's begin. First, place your hands on the dash and extend each of your legs straight out the window in either direction. This position is called the "Downward Facing Driver". Good . . . now remain prone and arch your back until your head hits the windshield or you hear a loud cracking sound .

I think I need a medic.

Or at least a new steering wheel.

Ben O.

16 Comments:

Blogger Katchia said...

Like your insights...
you know you could improve the traffic congestion by taking public transport- you'd be helping the environment too!

12:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice looking blog - did you customize the template? Thanks from Ecco
Shoes
girl

1:03 AM  
Blogger ChittyChittyBangBang! said...

I had a good laugh at this one.
Forget the yoga, I usually wave and make funny faces at the motorists next to me or I pretend to say something to them. It is worth seeing the looks of utter disbelief and surprise on their tired faces... and good for me too.

1:16 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

You can probably get some people off the road by using that voice to remind people how stinkin` much fuel is these days.

4:12 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

I only have to drive 4 miles. I only have to make two right turns, one off my street onto the main road, and one into the lot of where I work... and still traffic aggrivates me into foul language everyday. Sad.

7:57 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I'm about 5 blocks from work, but I get behind some slow idiot nearly every time. It's teaching me patience...or gun control.

8:41 AM  
Blogger DelBoy said...

Aaaaah, commuting. One of life's little joys. Used to do it, but no more. My commute is now between my flat, down 3 flights of stairs to my office in the basement. A grand total of around 45 seconds. Not even enough time for me to listen to one song on my iPod. (Actually, I don't even own one!)

You need help with congestion? Speak to the Mayor of London, Red Ken. He seems to think he has found a solution - NOT! (http://www.cclondon.com/)

Thanks for the visit to my blog, Ben.

10:21 AM  
Blogger KayseaLove said...

Audiobooks Yes, I'm a geek.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is NO question: I would sit in traffic all day before even thinking about sitting down to a "no anesthetic" dental drilling session!!! Of course, I am the all-time biggest coward when it comes to going to the dentist. So that really wasn't a fair question. Ben, have Shorty get a photo of you in the traffic yoga position. I can't quite picture that . . . NJ

5:06 PM  
Blogger MA said...

Running From the Law was actually pretty decent. The author picked a group of ex-attorneys who were now successful in other fields, and asked them why they chose to leave the law.

It brought up a lot of issues that attorneys face, such as the excessive work hours, hostile environment, etc.

I'd recommend it.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Terri said...

Thanks, that image of u in that yoga position is gonna be with me for years, I just know it!
I too gave up commuting by car - it was becoming bad for my blood pressure. I just moved house & found a new job so now I take the train to work!

6:04 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I walk to work so I am usually able to avoid the inappropriately named rush hour traffic, except for the past two days when I had to be in certain places that required driving. It reminded me why I live and work where I do.

I loved the Downward Driving Dog yoga position! You'd need a sunroof for the Greet the Sun or whatever the heck it's called.

6:45 AM  
Blogger jenbeauty said...

I would pick the traffic over teeth!

I have been lucky that my side of town has not gone through major construction and any that has occured has been to my benefit.

8:01 AM  
Blogger Cattiva said...

Traffic makes me insane...well crazier than I already was.

9:28 AM  
Blogger metro said...

Sitting in traffic IS maddening that is why I take mass transit.
I know I am totally crazy, but I chose to commute 2.5 hours each way a day. Yes - a 5 hour commute.

I live 60 miles north of New York City. I am commuting 2.5 hours to go 60 miles.

I go by car, train, subway and bus. I drive 25 minutes to the train station. Take the Metro North train for 1 hour 25 minutes to Grand Central Station. I walk through a maze of rushing-in-every-direction poeple to the Time Square Shuttle. Once at Times Square I take the subway to an almost impossibly busy-with-people Penn Station. Then I catch a crowded bus on 34th street to my office on 10th avenue.

It is CRAZY....but I love it. I love my job and I am energized by the people and movement of the commute. I AM NEVER BORED!! Although on days when I am not feeling well, or it is freezing cold or raining...it seems like an impossible commute. And I wished I lived close enough to walk.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Hammy said...

When you sit in traffic you can change the sounds you listen to, i.e. the radio (sounds old-fashioned does it not?). Not so when seated in the dentist's chair.

Traffic in Brazil must be terrible with everybody relocating.

10:49 PM  

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