I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Monday, March 31, 2008

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 2)

So, I'm sitting on the couch eating animal crackers watching the 13th episode of an all-night "Murder, She Wrote" Marathon, when it occurs to me that Evil Twin Biff hasn't yet filed his weekly report with The Iowa State Corrections department on his current whereabouts.

I began to get a tad suspicious . . .

As you will see if you choose to keep reading, I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

I frantically switched the TV over to "Cops", because frankly it's the best way of locating Evil Twin Biff that I've come across so far.


I remembered the avalanche locater beacon that we had surgically implanted in his thigh as a prerequisite requirement to letting him leave the building. Without a second's hesitation, I had the remote access unit in my sweaty lil' palm and I began hammering on the bright, red "find" button. In the past, this has produced one of at least three results -

1. Evil Twin Biff comes running upstairs with crazed, bloodshot eyes screaming in Portuguese "I have to kill the Cap'n! I have to kill the Cap'n!".

2. The neighbor dog goes into a 22 hour coma.

3. Crates of Viagra mysteriously get delivered to every single resident living in the Greater Cincinnati area.

But, strangely nothing happened this time. At least nothing that made CNN.

I called every single one of Biff's Ex-wives and not a word.

I was really getting nervous, when it suddenly hit me - Biff has a cell phone.

I punched out the numbers like I was Lindsey Lohan calling Rehab.

I waited . . . and waited . . . and . . .

(To Be Continued)

Ben O.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#53)

Okay people, it's that time again.

Time to welcome in the first day of Spring and dust off those caption-writing caps.

This week's pic is a good one.

I can't wait to read what you all have to say about it.

Should be fun - Ben O.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Feedback Monday (#75)

So, I see that Madonna has been inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Well, while we're at it, why not just let a little more of the riff raff come scurrying in?

The truth is that I don't have too much of a problem with Madonna, even though I would argue that she has never recorded a rock 'n' roll song in her life. She has always been a larger than life personality and her music has certainly transcended beyond the mere moment into history.

I think the true issue here is with the name of the building, not who has been sneakin' in lately.

It should really be something more like "The If your Career Lasts Long Enough and You have at Least a Handful of Decent Songs" Hall of Fame.

Am I ruffling anybody's feathers here?


For that matter, did you know that Miles Davis is already in the Hall of Fame? Not the Jazz Hall of Fame, the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

Strangely, I don't even have too much of a problem with this either. Miles was an amazing artist and certainly deserves to be enshrined in some hall of fame somewhere.

When you get right down to it, Hall of Fames are a tad bit silly anyway. So there's a building in Cleveland (why the heck did they pick Cleveland, btw!?!) and supposedly the best rock 'n' roll musicians of all time are enshrined there. If I were to walk in the front door would I see a plaque for KISS or possibly Journey or what about Guns 'n' Roses? No you say?

Well, that sort of proves my point. I would go if I ever found myself near Cleveland (which I probably never will) simply because I love music. But, just because some dudes pick A over B to be enshrined doesn't mean that B doesn't totally rock the house. Many a riff will go ringing on through the night to go unnoticed by those that wield the power.

So, on that note let's transition into this week's feedback question. Don't worry, it's related to the info above.

Who do you think should be inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame that doesn't already have that credit next to their name?

Bring it on - let's get the heated debate started.

Should be interesting - Ben O.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 1)

As many of you already know, Evil Twin Biff is out on the road trying to drum up support for Procrastination Station. Ever since the writer's strike, the readership here at our beloved blog has slipped a little. Where we once routinely saw readership in the sixes and sevens, those numbers are now hovering right below two.

That's not exactly primo, people.

So, in an attempt to win back your loyalty, we are going door to door. Well, that's not entirely true. It is Evil Twin Biff after all. He might get sidetracked and spend a few evenings at the local pub. In the case of that happening, feel free to come on down and join him. He doesn't bite (anymore) and if you are really desperate, he can always show you the tattoo he started but never got finished on his left buttock. That's usually good for a few laughs.

While our primary column writer is out (and the overworked, underpaid intern is still downstairs syphoning out rainwater from that awful storm we had last week), we have decided to tap the outside world for some material. Here is what I found today -

I didn't know she could count!?!

Until later - Ben O.

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