I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Location: Colorado

Friday, October 28, 2005

And A Couple Of Keystone Lights Later . . . It's Feedback Friday (#9)

Okay - I'm havin' a little party up here with A&E's Monstervision, the sale section of King Sooper's "Adult" Beverage aisle and my pathetic lil' blog. Stand back, cuz this might be a little bit like wearing khaki pants while changing a tire . . . I don't care how much care you take, you're gettin' a black streak on those babies. You might as well rub your bootie up against the tailpipe and get it over with now. Go ahead . . . I'll wait.

The good news is that it's Feedback Friday, so hopefully I won't make a complete Mancow out of myself before all is said and done. Let's get back on track dude . . .

Okay, here is the assignment -

Tell me (and the other three people that read this crapola) all about your favorite "Scary" movie. It is almost Halloween after all. I want to hear all about the first time you saw a flick that made you leave the theatre early because you were so scared that you couldn't stop shaking. Maybe you're into the zombies or possibly the vampires or even that Gilbert Godfried dude. I don't care, I just want to hear some interesting explanations.

Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do . . .

And, I don't wanna anyone to say Charlie Brown - The Great Pumpkin either. I love it just like the next guy, but unless you're watching it naked surrounded by a bunch of giant, inflatable roosters . . . it ain't scary!

This should be fun (Sadie . . . I said that just for you)

Ben O.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Clarification Rhymes With Pacification

Okay . . .

Apparently my Dad has asked that I clarify the scorecard shown a couple of posts below. The picture is a tad bit misleading. What you see is only half of the whole story. I was in charge of keeping the score for myself, my wife and our parents . . . BUT my brother was in charge of keeping the score for the other 4 players that were with us. My beloved Dad commented to me, after logging on and noticing that his putt-putt score was hanging out there for the whole blog-viewing world to gawk at, that only showing 4 of the scores makes his pathetic 24 look like it was the worst score logged that night. The truth is that I can't remember what the other scores were, but I'm pretty sure that good ole' Dad's 24 couldn't have been the worst of the scores that night.

Order is restored to the Universe . . .

Ben O.

Monday, October 24, 2005

A Hard Lesson In Quirkitude

Here's one for ya . . .

The Management here at Procrastination Station has been invited to participate in a lil' experiment by none other than the ever popular and bewilderingly responsive Sadie Lou. According to the lingo on the street, I'm pretty sure that I've just been "tagged", but apparently my street cred has been circling the drain ever since I tried to resurrect the word "booyah" and got called on it. Pretty soon the kids will be laughing at me behind my back when I hit the dance floor and try to "Churn the Butter".

Is nothing sacred?

Ok then, the assignment is to list some endearing little quirks about myself. This should be interesting . . .

- I have a couple of hygiene hang-ups . . . I don't like long fingernails on guys, so I try and keep mine clipped pretty short. You will rarely find any white on my fingernails. I also don't really like unwieldy, bushy eyebrows on guys, so I try and keep mine orderly and manageable. I don't go on any extended pluckfests like some girls might, but I do comb through them regularly.

- I have a few food hang-ups . . . When ordering a hamburger, I either get just meat and ketchup OR lettuce, tomato and mustard. It just depends upon what kind of mood I'm in. When I eat chips and salsa, I prefer warm (heated-up) salsa. I don't like strawberry icecream by itself, but it is my favorite part of Neapolitan icecream. I can't stand most white, creamy things such as mayonnaise, cream cheese, sour cream and cottage cheese. Whenever I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I always like for the jelly to be on top. I have no reason for this, other than it just seems logical to me (even though it is wholly illogical in every conceivable way.)

- I also have some general hang-ups . . . Whenever I'm lucky enough to find a pair of blue jeans that fits really good, I will save the tag in case I need or want to get another pair of the exact same brand and size. I like to be reading at least two books at any given time. I prefer "Jeopardy" to "Wheel of Fortune" - I always feel sorry for the dude who spins a "bankruptcy" on his first spin and then never gets another chance until the last 17 seconds of the show. I have gone to rock concerts by myself.

And last but not least, I actually like the song "Sailing" by Christopher Cross. I know, I know. Something must be terribly wrong with me, right?

Well, thanks to Sadie Lou for applying the tag. I must say that prior to this very moment, I did not consider myself to be anything other than normal. But, after having painstakingly laid all of this out for everyone to read, I realize that I am actually a giant quivering ball of spastic quirkitude.

Ben O.

Btw - I tag Terri in Dublin, Lingo in Canada and Undr in Georgia. Sorry guys, but failure to participate will result in failure to participate.

Aha Little Grasshoper - The Apprentice Has Become The Master

Friday, October 21, 2005

Can You Move That Leaf, I'm Trying To Putt

Well, we've been hanging out with Big Tex in Big D playing a little "Small Ball" (aka - miniature golf). Everyone out there will be glad to hear that the ever popular Mom O. won with a "Front 9" score of 21 . . . which is pretty darn close to par. I was awfully close to catching her after my hole-in-one, but then I got a little too careless with my follow through on a wicked "Over-the-hills-and-through-the-woods-to-grandmother's-house-we-go" hole and I ended up in the dreaded vortex of humiliation right next to my younger and hipper brother's goofy-looking fluorescent yellow golfball.

Now I'm no expert, but why hasn't Miniature Golf taken over the world as the most watched sport on TV?

Who wouldn't pay good money to sit on the couch cheering a little too wildly for their favorite rubberized club wielding, beer-belly having pro as he coolly and calmly blocks out the over-bearing crowd noise and negotiates the intricacies of each and every loopty-loop on the course? It's hard getting the dang ball to go into the Clown's mouth in less than 3 shots . . . I think those dudes certainly earn their millions.

Can you say "Signing Bonus"?

Okay, that might be a tad silly . . . but not any more so than shelling out two year's paycheck to get ESPN's Unlimited Poker-fest Channel on direct satellite linkup. Even if they did throw in the inflatable lazy-boy recliner beanbag couch it still wouldn't be worth it.

The truth is that pretty much any sport where you hear someone say "Hey, could you help me out and remove that baby rabbit?" and you aren't even surprised, might not be completely ready for massmarket consumption. I love banging away at neon golf balls just like the next guy, but unless your name happens to be Steve Irwin, you might want to reconsider your next attempt at threading the needle between Harvy the Happy Hippo's out-stretched legs.

After all, a double bogey never hurt anyone . . . but chasing after your ball into the darkened mineshaft of doom (otherwise known as hole #7) just might.

Ben O. (on location in the Lone Star State)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Assistant Director Skinner Wants To See You In His Office . . . Pronto!

Here's one for ya . . .

I'm sitting here in my undies listening to a rerun of the "X-Files" thinking to myself that as cool as the dude is, the name Fox Mulder really is sort of silly. Why not just name the poor kid Apple?

Now I'm certainly not a qualified expert, but the last time I looked, the big Alien Invasion of '05 had been called off due to a faulty hyperdrive on the ole' Falcon. Standard procedure would be to put Three-Pee-O right on it, but he was last seen marshalling a Gay Pride parade somewhere on the outskirts of Lincoln, Nebraska. The current rumour swirling around the galaxy now is that the Emperor himself is considering calling in either Lt. Ohura or that little green martian from Looney Tunes infamy.

I think we're relatively safe.

From the aliens at least.

Now, what about vampires or dudes turning into wolves? It is creeping up on Halloween, after all. Unfortunately, as anyone who has studied the classics already knows, Agent Scully's firearm would undoubtedly prove to be absolutely useless on any rogue, un-tagged lycanthropes that happen to wander out of the pre-approved enclosure. Gotta use a silver bullet on those excessively hairy bad-boys. The trend these days is to go with platinum or even white gold, but it just isn't the same. I can't even count the number of times that I've shown up on the scene . . . the widow crying over by the car, a thick layer of fog twisting through the trees and some poor sap laying on the ground ripped all to shreds because he loaded his gun with those hip new Electrically Plated, "like" silver bullets. When will they ever learn?

For my money it doesn't get any scarier (or more heavily mythologiesed) than a good old-fashioned vampire. Count McDracula himself. He flies, he drinks blood, he never grows old . . . but sunlight instantly kills him. Wow! I would have picked a slimmer window of vulnerability if I were you, Nosferatu. That's just me, though.

Let me get the window for ya.

Oops! That's probably gonna leave a mark.

Ben O. (The Truth is Out There)

Friday, October 14, 2005

Feedback Friday (#8)

Here's one for ya . . .

Everyone's heard the phrase "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" or "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" or possibly even the ever popular "Spend some time in Cincinnati, it's positively unsucky".

Well, get that prescription for motion sickness pills refilled and pack your bags because I've decided that we're all gonna venture out on a little trip for this week's edition of Feedback Friday. In less time (and most assuredly) less work than it took Orville and Wilbur to bravely go where no man had gone before and engage on the very first cross-yard flight, we will be heading out into our own Great Wide Openness.

I've been thinking about this one and I want to hear all about where you like to go when you visit a new city. Even if you have never really considered it, I just bet that you do feel drawn to certain places that most cities have. Some people have to go to the tallest bridge and toss a 3lb. bag of onions off, and some people feel uncontrollably compelled to hit the local Turkish Laundromat, while still others can almost always be found dancing the night away down at the Royal Order of Chiropractor's Assistants Meeting Hall (That place can get a tad crazy. Just ask that dude that was wearing the "Party-Naked.Com" T-shirt who was taking all the pictures.)

Seriously, when you get off the plane in Atlanta (or Phoenix or Montreal or Timbuktu), there has to be at least one place that you already know you want to see without even opening the guide book. Maybe it's a sports stadium or a concert arena or a Wendy's restaurant. When I go some place new, I personally like to spend some time in that city's independent bookstore (if they have one). I also have a soft spot for aquariums and local breweries.

Okay - I'm a geek, but hey . . . let's hear what you have to say and see if it's any better.

This should be fun -

Ben O.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Slacking 101

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Why the freakin' heck won't this dude write another post for his slightly-unlame blog already?

Calm down people - I have to admit that I caught a little bit of the dreaded iPod fever and was temporarily unable to do anything but make that spastic little circular motion with my thumb . . . and drool uncontrollably.

My hair hurts.

Now, on to the material at hand. Here in beautiful Colorado, the first ski resort to open will begin operating the lifts on Friday. I understand that they'll probably only have one or two runs open, but can anyone out there honestly look me in the eye (through the computer screen of course) and say that you would rather be anywhere but up here hitting the slopes? I humbly submit that you cannot (and should not, for that matter). I live within one short hour of Loveland Ski Area and I already know that I'm going to shedding a few tears because I won't be up there shredding the fresh powder.

(Like how I used "shedding"/"shredding" in one sentence? Pretty cute, huh?)

For my money, you just can't beat a nice day of skiing at one of Colorado's many wonderful World-Class Resorts. I just love waiting in a line longer than you find at the DMV on buy-one-get-one-free day, freezing my nemos off riding the lift all the way up the mountain and then careening like a frozen pinball back and forth off of the 35 knuckledraggers that thought they were supposed to stop within 4 feet of the ski-lift deposit area and have a "how cool am I?" convention. Is it still illegal to shoot snowboarders with a crossbow in the lower 48? I'm just askin'.

Seriously . . . the temperatures are nose-diving, the snow is starting to accumulate and before you can say "buffoonery" 3 times, the best part of the year in the Rocky Mountains is gonna be going on - full throttle.

Wax 'em up and catch the next flight.

Ben O.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Feedback Sunday (#7)

Okay here's one for ya . . .

What happens if you play a Britney Spears song backwards?

Apparently you either get something that actually sounds good or you'll inadvertently stumble upon a mysterious garbled message that vaguely resembles a recipe for a superb Jack Daniel's Double-Whammy Pecan Pie. (You think it tastes good tonight, just wait until you wake up three days later in some strange guy's front yard with your pants around your ankles and a bunch of feathers super-glued to your face.)

I was thinking about a theme for this week's feedback frenzy and I think what I've come up with should, at a minimum, be an entertaining exercise. We're gonna turn over a little white rectangular rock and expose something that most of you would rather keep hidden from the public forever.

I want to know what your iPod Secret Song is . . . that song that you are moderately ashamed of so you tucked it back behind all the good stuff, but you just love to take it out and give it a quick listen when nobody is around. Everyone has one and I want to hear all about it and why you like it enough to shoot 5 megabytes on it. I am looking forward to some incredibly lame justifications here, people.

So, let's get those click-wheels a clickin' and start spilling the dirt on your love affair with that obscure Backstreet Boys limited edition remix or the Spanish-language version of Meatloaf's monster comeback-hit "I Would Do Anything For Love".

This should be fun . . .

Ben O.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

There Once Was A Man Named Blenis

Okay here's one for ya . . .

Why didn't the Execs over at NBC do us all a big favor and simply skip over all those years of "Friends" and just go straight to "Joey"?

(They can't do that Doofus! Haven't you ever heard of a spin-off?)

Now I admit to watching my fair share of "Friends", but (and I understand that I might be endangering those I love by saying this publicly) I think "Joey" might actually be better. And do you want to know what the strangest part is? Joey wasn't even my favorite character on the afore mentioned show "Friends". Any lazy-eyed casual reader of the blog could more-than-likely guess who was my guy back in the day.

Let it be known that we here at Procrastination Station are certainly guilty of participating in the occasional rant. And even though I'll vehemently take the 5th (& the 6th, 7th and 8th for that matter) if I'm ever forced to testify, I might as well let everyone out there in on a little secret - I own a television and the last time I turned it on, the airwaves were so full of crapola that they make the last functioning lavatory on an LA to Paris PanAm flight seem positively inviting.

But, I ain't gonna go there tonight. No sir. This post is all about dishin' out the kudos. Even Ringo gets to sing at least one song per album. Right?

So, let's get this TV Show Love-Fest started already. I mentioned "Joey". We don't really watch too many pure sitcoms (for good reason), but in my humble opinion this one keeps getting better and better. I especially love Joey's agent - she has to be the perfect mix of bizarre ambiguous sexiness and unintentional humor with just a little drunken, oozing creepiness thrown in to top it all off. And, for my money . . . I think the story is actually interesting.

How's this for a future episode? Chandler comes out to California (say it like Gov. Arnold, it's so much more fun) to visit Joey and while he is there he watches Joey filming a TV show spin-off episode where a character from the original show is making a guest appearance on the new show. Chandler cracks a bunch of jokes about how stupid it is when the studios resort to bringing the old character back.

And now for some reality. Gotta check out "Miami Ink" and "Mythbusters". If they sold 50/50 cotton-blend T-Shirts that said "Go Yoji!" on them, I'd be front and center. Better yet to just get it tattooed on your left buttock . . . right beside the Lambda Lambda Lambda Fraternal Crest. This poor guy is so easy to get behind - Truman Capote couldn't write a more unlikely hero than the newly-married, recently-made-father, ever-suffering body-ink apprentice, Yoji. The only thing cooler than watching some dude get a topographical map of Alabama tattooed on his stomach is watching two guys trying to prove that a dump-truck full of peanut butter can (and in-fact will) fly farther than 375 feet . . . if you have a large-enough catapult. Hide the pickles and the ball-peen hammer Grandma, because these guys are for real.

Incidentally, I'm pretty sure that I sat next to one (or both) of the Mythbusters in my 11th Grade Science Class. I never would have thought that a tuning fork could, when properly motivated, actually shatter a 3-foot thick block of solid cement. Now I know.

Okay - enough of this touchy-feely stuff. I feel like having a sloppy-joe.

Ben O.

Monday, October 03, 2005

You Have No New Messages

It's starting to get late and I'm still staring blankly at my beautiful, white screen trying to turn on the funny.

Where does it come from? Why is the scene in "Blues Brothers" where the hotel manager asks Elwood if he got his Cheese Whiz, and he actually did get him a can of Cheese Whiz, so unbelievably hilarious? (I actually think that certain words simply have an innate funniness to them. Case in point - Cheese Whiz, Fumble and Butafuoco.) Sometimes the best comedic trick is to wrap one really funny scene stealthily in an otherwise nerd-fest (albeit in a cool way) of a movie. Remember the scene in "Tron" where Flynn is helping them break into the building with the Master Control Program and the outside door is like 30 feet thick, and all he says is "Now, that is a big door"? You can't keep from laughing if you tried. Heck, I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. (Some of you have been laughing since I mentioned the movie "Tron".)

Now I'm no expert, but the last time I took a reading (and I try and take one about 2 - 3 times a week), my handy-dandy humor-meter rang up a less than funny measurement. Apparently as the Earth gets warmer, things are gettin' unfunnier . . . and I humbly submit that that ain't good. Where are Larry, Moe and Curly when we need 'em?

Lewis Black would be jamming a pencil into his ear about now, so before we go and do anything rash - let's simply take a deep breath, count slowly to 167 in backwards intervals of 3 and then perform a slow-grind to the song "Kung-Fu Fighting". (It's sort of like churning the butter, only not so much.) Are you with me? Is the needle moving at all?

I refuse to admit that all is hopelessly lost. There are still vast, untapped reservoirs of incredibly potent funniness out there and the best part is that we don't need to pass some momentously onerous bi-partisan energy bill to legally plunder them. All you have to do is strip down to your thong, spray-paint the word "Spank" on your back and dive right in. A belly-flop might even be appropriate in this instance.

"Is this going to leave a mark?"


So, as one sky-diver said to the others right before leaping off of the cliff, "Two out of three ain't bad."

Ben O.