I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Thursday, November 10, 2005

There Just Aren't Enough Hours In The Day

Okay people, here's another handful of goodies for ya . . .

1. Rod Stewart - on behalf of everyone who has ever heard the song "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?", let me go ahead and give you our final answer . . . NO.

2. Very few things will burn hotter and faster than a 73 page research paper accidentally soaked in rubbing alcohol.

3. One thing is a pair of front row U2 concert tickets purchased on Ebay for $855 dollars.

4. The difference between stripes and solids might seem trivial, until the words "Iowa State Correctional Facility" are factored into the equation.

5. Forgetting your own name is not nearly as problematic as forgetting where the restroom is located.

6. Sometimes the best policy is not to kick the beehive in the first place.

7. I don't care how many times you stabbed him in the face, if he's wearing a nametag that says Freddy, Jason or Mike . . . he's coming back.

8. Pretending to be invisible doesn't mean that you can just waltz into the women's locker-room at 24 Hour Fitness and not get arrested.

9. Never ever play three card monty with a guy whose name is actually Monty. It's just bad form.

10. It doesn't matter how quick you think you are, there's never a good time to try and staple your unsuspecting boss's pants to the cubicle wall-barrier.

Glad to be of service . . .


Ben O.

34 Comments:

Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Thank you for the tips. I will be sure not to stab Freddie while kicking the behive today.

8:43 AM  
Blogger arkie said...

When that song came out, I thought he was sexy. But, hey! I was 12 at the time! What did I know about sexy?

Did #5 involve drinking? I once forgot my name after consuming large quantities of a certain beverage. I've never forgotten where the restroom is, but I have been at the point of not really caring. (FTR, I was outside at the time.)

And #10 just makes me giggle, and want to try it.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Beadinggalinms (is that Beading Gal in MS?) - No problem whatsoever. We are here as a public service to any and all paying members. You did send in your monthly membership dues check didn't you?

Arkie - Rod has a nice voice and Maggie May is an excellent song, but I get such a kick out of bizarre-nosed Scottish dudes dancing in purple spandex to a quasi-disco-by-way-of-pop-rock beat. I'm sure he isn't complaining.

Ben O.

10:46 AM  
Blogger exMI said...

How throughly has this information been researched?

11:26 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Yep that is Beading Gal in MS. My check is in the mail. I mailed it early last night when I was armadillo hunting.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

exmi - we have a crack team of interns locked in the basement with a 1983 model macintosh computer and a years supply of Starbucks Guatemala Antigua.

I think we've got it covered.

Beading - I can't wait . . . I'm getting hungry and Pizza Hut won't accept my post-dated checks anymore.

Ben O.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Ben O,
Thanks for stopping by :)
Here's an alternate suggestion for #8..... try pretending you're blind.... it'd probably work for longer than prentending you're invisible.
-Rachel-

12:16 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Rachel - thanks for hitting the Station. I prefer invisibility - I've found that people treat you special when you tell them you are invisible.

Ben O.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Point taken. :)

12:44 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Gosh thanks for the heads up on being invisable. I thought since people couldn't SEE you--you'd never get in trouble. But what if you smell like egg salad? I never thought about it.
Accidently soaked in rubbing alcohol? That sounds awful--how'd it happen?
*cheeky monkey*

12:46 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hmmm... Whenever I pretend to be invisible and waltz into the women's locker room, nothing happens... Suppose we're all different... ;)

12:48 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Thanks for sharing the wisdom. I've been screaming the same thing to Rod over the radio for years, but he never could hear me.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Lingo Slinger said...

Ha ha ha!! Great post!!

Ben O Said "Rod Stewart - on behalf of everyone who has ever heard the song "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?", let me go ahead and give you our final answer . . . NO"

Can you come and tell my mom this please... She loves Rod more than she loves my dad! Maybe it's just psychological... The name Rod makes for some pretty phallic visual imagery!!

Okay, I know where the door is! I don't know why I had to go there... What is wrong with me!!

1:45 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Sadie - I refuse to remember that incident. Do you watch the Craig Ferguson (sp?) show at night? I haven't heard the ole Cheaky Monkey comment since the last time I watched him.

Heather - I have no explanation for that except to say that invisible goatees are still goatees.

Trin - we are all about wisdom here at PS. In fact, I can't tell you how many letters we get suggesting that we change the name to "Bucket of Eternal Wisdom". I am resisting for now, but how long can anyone hold out?

Stop screaming . . . Rod can't hear you. He is busy seducing another gorgeous (if not totally uninteresting) blonde 19 year old.

Ben O.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Hey Lingo - you posted while I was writing.

Rod is such an enigma . . . I like some of his music, but how the heck does anyone woman (pretty or good personality) actually find him attractive?

Could it be that I don't fully understand every single thing about the opposite sex? Or is it just that he has a lot of money?

We may never know.

Ben O.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

You say never kick a beehive I say never kick a bicycle frame you will break a few toes doing it, a lesson learned the hard way.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

No, I haven't watched that show but I watch those hour long reruns of SNL on Comedy Channel every so often. I saw the one with Mike myers in the tub--Yes I know my name is Simon, and I like to do Drawrings--don't look at my bum, you bum looker! You Cheaky Monkey!

as far as the whole Rod Stweart thing, let's just say I saw him nude and he has a mole on his rear.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Underachiever said...

aww but I'm invisible. You're not supposed to see me. *Slap*

Undr(I'm still invisible.)

PS Great One O-BEN-WAN!

PPS Sadie: I love the Cheeky Monkey reference. You are too cool.

3:45 PM  
Blogger ~*Bettie said...

Funny Shit!

Made me chuckle!

4:08 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

underachiever--no, you're cool!

5:00 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Um... how do you accidentally soak something in rubbing alcohol?

5:14 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

LorinFlorida - Yes, but when was the last time a bicycle frame swarmed all over you and left your pitiful melon of a head looking like a meat lovers pizza with extra bee stings?

Sorry to hear about those toes, though.

Sadie - I would comment on the SNL fetish, but the naked Rod bit is much more interesting . . . do tell.


Undr - Isn't telling that your picture is Charlie Brown, who as any actual fan of the lil' guy can tell you feels like he is invisible already. So deep it hurts.

Badgirl - we only serve up the funniest $h!t we can find. Come again anytime. We don't care that you are bad . . . I think in your heart, you are really a goodgirl, yes?

Zombie - I hear it is actually much easier than it sounds. I must admit to "writing" some of that scenario, but I totally know that feeling. I always wondered how forest fires get started when it takes me 45 matches to light actual kindling when I am out camping.

Crazy

Ben O.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Big Ben said...

Pretending your lost doesn't work either. I even brought a map with me, the camera around my neck didn't go over well.

8:44 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

10. It doesn't matter how quick you think you are, there's never a good time to try and staple your unsuspecting boss's pants to the cubicle wall-barrier.

No no no. People are going about this all wrong. What you have to do is something that will not get you fingered. Take half a fish and leave it in one of his drawers, under a bunch of papers. won't take too long to really stink and draw attention. He'll have too many people to blame to finger you.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Thank you for clearing up that business with Rod Stewart. That song has always bothered me on a subconscious level.

8:00 AM  
Blogger anne said...

This has just made my day. Ta very muchly.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Sadie - I would comment on the SNL fetish, but the naked Rod bit is much more interesting . . . do tell.
My sister-in-law went on a European Vacation and brought back some of their trashy- celeberity magazines. There was this picture of him and his model-wife on a yacht and they were buck nekkid.
They showed this up-close picture of Rod sun bathing and had a big white arrow pointing to this brown spot on his arse.
The magazine said," What's that? Sources close to Rod say it's a mole he's had since birth; others speculate that it's poo."
*laughing*

8:41 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Sound advice my friend. Thanks for doing all the legwork for us! As per your comment on my site yesterday, yes I was angry and it didn't go over very well. I've changed my game plan ever so slightly but I think it's something we all can get behind now:)

10:26 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Ben, I'm sorry to say that for some women all men need to be sexy is a whole lot of money and perhaps to be famous. I know men aren't like that, so I figured I'd better explain. ;-)

And thank you for answering the question that has made us crazy for decades re: Rod Stewart.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Big Ben - I didn't know you could uproot yourself and leave London . . . glad to have you though.

Zombieslayer - I thought I smelled something . . . fishy. (Couldn't resist.)

Scott - That's what we are here for (well, that and to distribute the monthly free bowling passes.)

Anne - no problemo . . . I feel like I know your feet so well. Such an interesting shot of your thong (sandals).

Sadie - That would really be something to have a glob of actual poop smeared on your bootie. I think now I can never ever listen to that song again, because I will envision him wiping away trying to finally get everything right back there.

Nonny - I just surfed over there and read it . . . Pretty funny stuff, but at the rate you are going, the entire blog-reading planet is going to be upset at ya.

:)

Kathleen (and everyone else) - I had no idea that ole Rod was in such limbo. I feel like I have freed up a sizable chunk of wasted collective brain space that can now be used for the betterment (is that a word?) of mankind . . . or to just watch more TV.

Ben O.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Sadie - That would really be something to have a glob of actual poop smeared on your bootie.

*laughing*
Do you know that I can't say the words poop or fart without laughing?
I must be 10 years old.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

There are worse word to not be able to say without laughing.

Imagine if everytime you said "Your Honor" or "Yes, Officer" you busted out laughing.

Not entirely cool -

Ben O.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

What about that movie "The Full Monty?" Can you play three card monty while watching it?

7:37 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Teri - if you aren't laughing too hard . . . I absolutely love that movie.

Ben O.

10:07 PM  

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