Anna Nicole Has Left the Building
Okay, here's one for ya . . .
Can someone please tell me Why I got arrested last night trying to set fire to the Grocery store checkout magazine rack.
Anyone?
Now, I don't have the entire U.S. Penal Code memorized (unlike in my youth), but didn't they recently decide to allow up to three counts of arson - per person - per calendar year?
No?
Inconceivable.
Okay, on a serious note, I'd like to propose a new and exciting layout for the Modern American Grocery Store checkout area. Instead of endless counters of magazines proclaiming wild accusations about whether or not Bat-boy and Angelina's adopted Antarctican daughter have conceived their first love child, how's about some good ole' fashion porn?
That's a joke.
Funny you should ask, though, 'cuz it ain't that far from it already. Between Lindsay and Jessica and Christina and Yolonda and Lil' Miss Thang and that guy from those creepy, yet uncomfortably interesting spray-deodorant ads, all I see before me when I'm standing there in line is exactly 3 shoes, 1 shirt and what I can only hope was at one time a pair of panties.
And that's in the express lane!
And, believe you and me, it doesn't get a whole lot better standing behind The Marlboro man and his girlfriend, Lola in the "15 items or more loser lane". Here, the pre-selected reading material, that isn't already covered up with plastic "safety-plates" for fear of upsetting the faint of heart (whatever that means), is . . . well, let's just say what it isn't. What it isn't is pretty much what's been missing from society since around the time MTV stopped playing music.
Now, I don't want to get five hundred thousand emails about how the world is a better place now that our collective sensibility is so progressive and able to tolerate whatever comes down the pike no matter how utterly and completely unacceptable it may be. Our staff simply can't handle it. Heck, the crack team of email answering interns is downstairs in the sub-basement right now, still recovering from that time I proposed criminalizing "crappy" music.
Who knew that so many Michael Bolton fans read my blog. Those people are powerful when they band together in protest, let me tell you.
So, where am I going with all of this?
Funny you should ask, because I have no idea.
Ben O.
BTW -
Can someone please tell me Why I got arrested last night trying to set fire to the Grocery store checkout magazine rack.
Anyone?
Now, I don't have the entire U.S. Penal Code memorized (unlike in my youth), but didn't they recently decide to allow up to three counts of arson - per person - per calendar year?
No?
Inconceivable.
Okay, on a serious note, I'd like to propose a new and exciting layout for the Modern American Grocery Store checkout area. Instead of endless counters of magazines proclaiming wild accusations about whether or not Bat-boy and Angelina's adopted Antarctican daughter have conceived their first love child, how's about some good ole' fashion porn?
That's a joke.
Funny you should ask, though, 'cuz it ain't that far from it already. Between Lindsay and Jessica and Christina and Yolonda and Lil' Miss Thang and that guy from those creepy, yet uncomfortably interesting spray-deodorant ads, all I see before me when I'm standing there in line is exactly 3 shoes, 1 shirt and what I can only hope was at one time a pair of panties.
And that's in the express lane!
And, believe you and me, it doesn't get a whole lot better standing behind The Marlboro man and his girlfriend, Lola in the "15 items or more loser lane". Here, the pre-selected reading material, that isn't already covered up with plastic "safety-plates" for fear of upsetting the faint of heart (whatever that means), is . . . well, let's just say what it isn't. What it isn't is pretty much what's been missing from society since around the time MTV stopped playing music.
Now, I don't want to get five hundred thousand emails about how the world is a better place now that our collective sensibility is so progressive and able to tolerate whatever comes down the pike no matter how utterly and completely unacceptable it may be. Our staff simply can't handle it. Heck, the crack team of email answering interns is downstairs in the sub-basement right now, still recovering from that time I proposed criminalizing "crappy" music.
Who knew that so many Michael Bolton fans read my blog. Those people are powerful when they band together in protest, let me tell you.
So, where am I going with all of this?
Funny you should ask, because I have no idea.
Ben O.
BTW -
Labels: Bat-Boy, Crappy Music, Grocery Store
posted by Ben O. | 1:06 PM
4 Comments:
Coming soon to muzak in an elevator near you ... The Greatest Hits of Michael Bolton.
(Although, I didn't know he had any hits.)
You should do what I do - never go to the grocery store. Oh, wait, you have a baby, guess you can't avoid it. Have you thought about taking a book, so you have something to read other than the tabloids?
I must confess...I broke down and bought a tabloid last week....It just took over my conscious mind I guess....did I really care about Katie Holmes and her overbearing ass of a husband Tom with his weirdness????
I hate thouse magazines and I think they should be banned from the checkout lines so weak people like myself won't be tempted to by them!!!
So how's the baby doing?? Any updates coming in the near future?
"I do not think this word means what you think it means..."
I don't buy tabloids, there are so many free internet sites that spew the same pointless gossip!!
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