I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Man-Purses For Everyone

Okay people, I'm not gonna go over this but once - sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all . . .

or, in extreme cases you can always try saying "I'm truly sorry Captain, but I have never actually been to India. You must be thinking of my evil twin, Biff." (That usually works for me.)

Now, here are a few other helpful hints that I've managed to glean from my many exciting adventures . . .

- If you ever get the chance to play goalie for the Brazilian National Soccer Team, do not . . . repeat . . . do not wave at your mother in the stands. The crowd doesn't like that for some reason.

- I would think twice before eating anything stored in a container made out of a human skull.

- There can't (and shouldn't) be more than three cardboard cut-outs of Donald Trump at any one time on top of the Alamo.

- Always leave a tip for the guy who packs and prepares your parachute.

- If, when hunting for cape buffalo, you get close enough to smell what they ate for dinner . . . you've maybe gotten a tad too close. No problem, simply maintain a calm demeanor and slowly move in the direction of the nearest available Dodge Caravan.

- Contrary to popular belief, there is never a good time to deliver a ten-second kiss to anyone referred to as "El Matador". (That one proved to be especially painful . . . let me tell ya.)

- Porcupines (and vampire bats, strangely enough) respond poorly to having their nails clipped.

Well, that's it. I sure hope these lil' nuggets come in handy for you the next time you're in Cleveland.

Ben O.


Blogger anne said...

See, this kind of advice always, always comes too late. I was chasing my ladybug across the lounge the other day, 'cause it had been naughty, and it suddenly millioned in size, turned into this ugly black-dotted red monster, and threatened my life. Then stomped out. Apparently, they're fed up to the back teeth that due to their size and general cuteness, everyone tells them what to do.

12:35 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

Thanks Ben O...
You never know when I will need to know some of this info...
Want my hubby be surprised if I tell him not to clip his pet Porcupines nails.
He will think I'm smart!

4:27 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Making a mental note not to kiss the guy packing my parachute and it is never a good time to tip the "El Matador". Thanks for the handy dandy tips Ben-O.
Cleveland Here I come! Providing I got my tips right..heehee

6:16 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Do you ever worry about the direction your brain takes? ;-)

6:19 AM  
Blogger brisen said...

words to live by..

8:13 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

NOW you tell me about the vampire bats. You should see my scars.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

If I ever go sky diving I will bring alittle extra cash..clipping vampire bat's nails?? *confused look* lol

9:00 AM  
Blogger StringMan said...

Yes, why do we never see more than three Donalds up there? Now I know - it's the rule. Thanks for the sage advice, Ben. These things have always concerned me.

12:40 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

Hey wait a minute... I just left Cleveland! My big question here is... what if one of the Trump cutouts is disguised as Martha Stewart... does that count?

4:40 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

We, the uninformed masses, thank you for your pearls of wisdom!

7:17 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Having just been to Cleveland about a month ago might I add:

Never drink 1 1/2 pots of coffee prior to getting into your car for a 70 minute ride to a Brown's game. There are NO public restrooms in Cleveland.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Anne - Yep, isn't that always the way? The perfect advice, but at least a week to a month too late. Sorry about that - I will try and be more punctual next time I dish out the goods.

Sherry - If Hubby insists on clipping the Porcupines nails (doesn't that sound like slang for goofing off? Hey, baby . . . ya wanna go "Clip the Porcupine's nails?" - to be said with deliberate eye-brow arching.), then I can recommend a good nail-clipper for ya.

Beading Gal - Cleveland is so not ready for you girl. It won't even know what hit it.

Kathleen - I am so past worrying about the path my brain takes. I try to follow Robert Frost's advice in that respect . . . I came to a fork in the road and I took the path less traveled . . . and less understood, for that matter.

Brisen - ya got that right.

Trin - I only learned about it the other day when I decided to clean under the couch.

Shannon - I know - I'm not all there, am I?

Strings - No problem. We are here to help in that way. You would be surprised if you read the entire Quartely Report of The Alamo Rooftop Guidelines. I have two words for you people . . . Christmas Lights.

Livewire - Was I the only one totally dissapointed that the Don didn't hire them both? What was up with him hinting at it for three straight weeks and then not doing it?

THS - No problem whatsoever.

Nonny - Well, Duh. Everybody knows that the word "Cleveland" is Algonquin for "The place where no porta-potty shall be found".


Ben O.

10:19 AM  

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