I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

We're Here to Help

We here at Procrastination Station are literally inundated with phone calls, email and regular (snail mail) from interested readers wanting to know the difference between good music and bad music -

Okay, here are some guidelines for ya -

- If the credits on the back of the CD list a man named "Renaldo Tweezeheimer" in either the post-production or back-up vocal categories, pick a different CD.

- Just because an artist sees fit to not wear panties or takes to going about shaving their head, does not automatically make their music listenable. It can happen, but rarely does.

- As far as anyone knows, Madonna still does not have a twin sister performing under the name Mrs. Glow-worm. These CDs are no doubt counterfeit and could possibly self destruct inside your stereo unit at any moment. Playing a legitimate CD by any winner or runner-up on American Idol, while not advised under any circumstances for enjoyment, does have the welcomed side effect of obliterating and dislodging the broken pieces of the aforementioned Mrs. Glow-worm CD previously stuck inside your player.

- There is no place for pan flute in music. Not even if you are a self-proclaimed master of the device.

- The harder the artist's name is to pronounce, the better that performer's music. This is not a hard and fast rule and exceptions are unfortunately too numerous to list. One thing to keep in mind on this point - if the artist has legally changed his or her name to a symbol or some picture that has no verbally expressable equivalent, buy their CD immediately and get it into heavy rotation as soon as humanly possible.

- Bands named after geographic locations can, for the most part, be filed into either the good or bad category depending upon how interesting and desirable the city or place is that they are named after. Picture an accapella singing group named Dead Horse and you get the gist.

- Never, ever purchase any CDs that have the words "Milli" and/or "Vanilli" printed anywhere on them.

- No matter how diligently you train yourself to listen to songs performed by Michael Bolton, you will always be left hopelessly devoid of anything even remotely resembling happiness.


The Management

12 Comments:

Blogger Kathleen said...

Interesting rules you have there. I agree with #2, #3, #4, #5 (Einsturdenze Neubauten being an excellent example of this - I'm just hoping I spelled it somewhat correctly), #6 (not always as Joy Division's second name was Warsaw and they are eminently listenable), #7 & #8...

I think I want a better explanation of #1... ;-)

6:02 PM  
Blogger Terri said...

Those are pretty good guidelines.

(I'm still sore about the whole milli vanilli thing!(

10:07 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

- There is no place for pan flute in music. Not even if you are a self-proclaimed master of the device.

*laughing*
Aw, come on! Mr. Tumnus would be a great name for a band! And if we can stomach the cow bell--we can stomach the pan flute!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Stomach is probably the most appropriate word there.

I would never say anything ill-willish about Joy Division. They were the bomb.

Ben O.

9:36 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

So I should cancel my pan flute lesson for this weekend?

9:47 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

On the contrary, Livewire. Proceed as planned, jut remove from your head those dreams of making it big and touring Australia.

Ain't gonna happen.

:)

Ben O.

6:25 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Ben O - You love Guinness and understand the beauty that is Joy Division. If you weren't married and with brand new child I would declare my love. But you're safe. ;-)

10:15 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Alas Kathleen, it was never meant to be . . .

Can we still meet here regularly and quip wittily over silly stuff that I made up with my pretend staff at my pretend company?

:)

Ben O.

1:09 PM  
Blogger arkie said...

Why, WHY, would anyone attempt to traing themselves to listen to Michael Bolton?

*shudders at the thought of it*

6:10 PM  
Anonymous The Zombieslayer said...

I think Office Space described Michael Bolton the best. Won't repeat it here because there are children present.

Just because an artist sees fit to not wear panties or takes to going about shaving their head, does not automatically make their music listenable. It can happen, but rarely does.

I think even calling this person an artist is a stretch.

There is no place for pan flute in music. Not even if you are a self-proclaimed master of the device.

Uh oh. You just lost any Satyr as a reader of your blog.

10:49 AM  
Blogger MyUtopia said...

LOL, thank you for the lesson.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Listen to 3 kilo's by The Prodigy and tell me that isn't a decent bit of pan flute.

1:59 PM  

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