I Can't Really Complain . . . But I Still Do
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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Saving The Planet One Thong at a Time

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

When did a ball cap, neon flip flops and a "Dale Earnhardt Forever" jersey become the outfit of choice for everything from weddings to funerals?

I'm no expert, but it seems pretty clear that the big "dress-down" experiment we all so enthusiastically embarked upon a few years ago is currently failing faster than a stoner in advanced algebra. Apparently, everyone, myself included, was so eager to ditch the suit and tie for something a lil' bit more comfortable that we never even gave a passing thought to what the future might hold. Well, the future is now and it's none too pretty my Hawaiian-print encrusted compadre.

So, put down that venti non-fat latte, remove that ridiculous bluetooth ear-phone monstrosity and lend me your bruised and battered sense of fashion for a few precious moments.

It's time to right the ship . . .

First of all, "Coach" shorts have never, are never and will never be in style and are supremely unfashionable unless you happen to find yourself standing on the sideline wearing a little metal whistle around your neck. Burn them immediately.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, let's get down to some fashion do's and don't's that should be (but sadly, aren't) common sense.

- Wicker should be sat upon, not worn turban-style around the head. At last count, at least 3 people had died or complained of severe headaches due to complications from being stabbed in the forehead by stray strands of wood.

- Pith helmets, tank-tops, chain-mail armor, fishing waders and anything bearing the likeness of Celine Dion are just a few of the items that should never be worn to Church.

- Clothes made out of paper should never be worn in public, unless you are particularly forgetful and are constantly in need of a place to jot down little notes to yourself.

- If the words "parachute" and "pants" are found anywhere on the label, put the item down and slowly (make that, quickly) exit the boutique. You'll thank me later.

- Emulating a fashion icon can be productive as long as it's not a member of the now defunct hardcore metal band "Skull Slap 3000".

- Just because you're hungry does not entitle you to leave the house in an edible garment. Save it for your honeymoon, Romeo.


Stay safe out there -


Ben O.

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7 Comments:

Blogger MyUtopia said...

LOL, you totally made me spit out my juice!

11:08 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Terribly sorry - if you mail your juice-soiled garment to the Procrastination Station Factory in upstate New Jerseyville (along with a crisp $100 bill), we'll gladly replace it or at least die the rest of it to match.

Have a nice day!

:)

Ben O.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Keshi said...

ROFL Ben!!

Keshi.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Crazy Me said...

Oh good lord, you are too funny!

9:33 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I'm in such agreement with you. Except that you say it with much more humor.

8:13 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Ah, my friend, an exception. You should wear chainmail to church if under a zombie plague. Note that chainmail isn't completely safe, for although zombies cannot bite through it, they'll eventually tear it off and get a bite in. Plus, chainmail limits one's mobility.

Just keep that in mind next time you're wearing chainmail to church during a zombie outbreak.

10:25 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Next Zombie outbreak, I'm all over it.

I feel so prepared now.

Ben O.

6:45 AM  

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