Procrastination Station

Not-so-Jolly Holly

2010-12-09T20:29:00.002-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I was listening to some Christmas Music the other day. I like to do that this time of year.

And, three glaring realizations suddenly occurred to me -

1. Justin Beiber shouldn't sing . . . anything. (Oh, my bad, that was just the Chipmunks. Oops.)

2. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY needs a Platinum Mine for Christmas. It's just too ballsy asking for something that complicated, IMHO.

and

3. Burl Ives is a bossy old dude. Not only does he spend the entirety of his signature Christmas tune practically commanding the listener to have a Holly Jolly Christmas (whatever the heck that is), but then just in case you missed it, he actually says "and in case you didn't hear" and proceeds to repeat his orders. Lucy Van Pelt, you might have some competition on the "Bossy Christmas Personality" ballot this year.

I'm just sayin', is all.

Ben O.

It Was About This Time a Year Ago . . .

2010-11-21T13:39:00.006-07:00

In case you were wondering, the staff here at Procrastination Station took a year-long vacation from all things Bloggy. Well, the year's up and it's time to blow the dust out of here and get back to the work at hand.

Which is, you ask?

Not sure, but suffice it to say that new content is, and will be, forthcoming.

I know, I know - stop before the three loyal readers finally wake up and have those heart attacks they keep threatening us with.

No, seriously. Evil Twin Biff is here. The over-worked, under-appreciated intern is still down in the sub-basement trying to figure out which wire to cut . . . is it the green one or the yellow one?

I know a year-long absence might seem a tad bit excessive. Not so. Think of it as the PS version of hitting the books and getting back to basics. We're gonna blow the roof off of the Blogosphere with a load of ultra-mediocre material the likes of which you have only sniffed in your wildest dreams up until now.

Heck, when we left you all hanging on every last word, that Swedish girl was merely dabbling in lizard tattoos, an iPad was something entirely different than what it is today, and Justin Beiber wasn't even born yet.

So, set your DVR. Lock up the yak. And get those rubber hoses out of storage, 'cuz -

We're back.

The Longest Two Blocks

2009-11-18T14:32:00.003-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

My car broke down today exactly two blocks from the repair shop (to which I was in the process of driving when said automobile crapped out). This is not an extreme source of distress for me. I still have my health and two beautiful kids and a lovely, supportive wife. The sun is still shining and nobody in Australia likes Britney Spears, so most of the fabric of the Universe is intact.

But, there's still that little car thing I have to deal with.

I guess it could be worse - we could still be riding horses around like Wyatt Earp and Bill Hickock and the man from Snowy River. What would they do if their horse blew a clutch? I know exactly what they would do - camp for the night. After blowing the dang thing's brains out. Don't worry, I know we live in a more civilized time. No beasts of burden are ever going be injured on this blog or any affiliate blog of Procrastination Station. (We leave that to Evil Twin Biff and his cohorts.)

I think the only one who really neads to be scared around here is me and we all know that the point of impact is going to be my back pocket.

Ouch!

Feedback Friday (#82)

2009-06-05T08:59:00.003-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

What's with those people who name their house?

You heard me.

There are people, and not all of them are Tom Cruise-crazy or even insanely rich, out there who spend the time and effort to craft a moniker for their dwelling. In case you haven't noticed by now (and judging by those early returns, you haven't), this is a large, slightly bizarre world loaded to overflowing with somewhat less-than-normal individuals and a significant group of them are out there this very minute, NAMING THEIR HOUSE.

I guess that's just what makes them happy. Sort of like it's a cat or something.

I've heard of naming your boat or your invisible friend or your favorite golf club, but your house!?!

It's a house.

Now, in an effort to not offend everyone and drive away the few remaining PS devotees, I want to say that naming your house is . . . stupid.

Sorry, I tried to make nice, but it just squirted out.

It is a bit silly, though, let's be honest.

If you are currently filing papers to have your westside flat officially named "Percival", you probably stopped reading a few lines ago.

Darn, another valuable reader lost to the whims of maniacal persistence.

Oh well, let's get on with the task at hand and have some fun, shall we?

This week's assignment is simple -

If you were going to name your house, what would it be?

Or, if you already did name your house - where do you live? So I can be sure and avoid that area on vacation.

Seriously, let's hear all about how you've dreamed and dreamed of calling your small North Dakota shack "The Illustrious Mansionala", or how they just don't make signs big enough to print "Homer's All-Inclusive Mosquito Research and Relaxation Resort" upon.

This is your forumn, make the most of it.

Should be fun . . .

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#59)

2009-05-20T13:31:00.003-07:00

Okay, it's back.

Let's not get all mushy and stuff.

I think this week's pic is a great one. I can't wait to read all those millions and millions of comments and captions.

You people are like comment-leaving machines. Voracious, I tell you . . . Voracious.

Should a good one.

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#81)

2009-05-08T06:53:00.002-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

I finally finished reading the entire Harry Potter book series. Yep, done. All 29 books. In the bag.

And I must say that I found them all to be really good. I know they have a reputation as kids books, but I really got alot out of them. Looking back, I think there is a whole bunch of material in there that is actually a little beyond the childhood realm. Especially in the last few installments, which began to venture quite boldly into the ever-dark and mysterious subject of "death".

My favorite thing about them is the world that J.K. Rowling created. It was believable and even preferable sometimes. Magic and the study and care of it makes for a wonderful backdrop for a bunch of growing kids adventure stories.

So, seeing as how the over-worked, under-paid intern is still on oxygen down in the sub-basement and the last substantially legitimate sighting of Evil Twin Biff was somewhere in North Dakota, I have the place all to myself.

And that means I get to come up with the Feedback Friday question without any unnecessary distractions or intimidation. Feels good to have a unique and un-influenced thought.

So, here it is . . .

Which Harry Potter book was your favorite?

That's it. That's the assignment. Which one did you like the best. And why?

If you have never heard of Harry Potter, or if you actually are a practicing Wizard and therefore don't need to read about magic in a fictional form, tell us about the best book you've read in the past few months.

If you don't read and live in a cave, describe your favorite rock or stone.

There. Everyone should be able to participate.

Looking forward to it - Ben O.

The Bane of my Blogging Existence

2009-05-05T07:07:00.005-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

Facebook. Anyone heard of it? Anyone participating? Anyone listening?

That's what I thought. I signed up with the intent of simply reconnecting with old friends and having a few laughs checking out old pictures and such. 109,342 hours later, I'm realizing that I might be spending a tad bit too much time on Facebook.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you shouldn't indulge. Come on, this is PS, we're all about indulgence. Just ask Evil Twin Biff. (You could if he were here, but alas, he's on "assignment" in the Yukon. Apparently they are offering free fried twinkies to the first 100 entrants in this year's Annual Moose Dropping Toss. He wanted to be sure and get up there bright and early. You know how he is.)

So, what am I ranting about anyway?

I found myself torn between two lovers. On the one hand - my beloved blog. Procastination Station. You have been with me for so long, through thick and thin. How could I ever desert you? While on the other hand - Facebook. The new kid in town. So flashy and fun . . . and time consuming.

Hopefully, I can find some happy balance. I made an excel spreadsheet last night to organize my time management and so far this is what I have -

19 hours a day devoted to Blogging
17 hours a day devoted to Facebook
8 hours a day devoted to work
1/2 hour a day devoted to eating and sleeping.

Yep, I think this is going to work out just fine.

Ben O.

Oh . . . it's good to be back!

Feedback Monday (#80)

2008-11-10T14:50:00.002-07:00

So, I'm watching Star Wars (here he goes again with the Star Wars fetish) and I noticed for the first time, a tiny chink in the armor of complete and total believability. You know at the end of the original movie . . . where the old guy (Grand Moff Tarkin) is presiding over what has to be the slowest chase seen in the history of the cinema? Let me refresh your memory - this guy is driving a giant metal ball of Death Starness and he has to get into position to shoot his "laser" (said in your best Dr. Evil voice) at the Rebel base. The only problem is that there is a pesky planet in the way . . . AND While he is puttering around out there in deep space, a handful of Rebel dudes are buzzing around like gnats, trying to land the Universe's most perfect shot ever, which as we all know, will end the movie.

So, that brings us to my believability dilemma - Remember the handy dandy death ray Tarkin has at his disposal? the one that we have already established, has the incomparable power to destroy planets?

Yes, that one.

Why, does he take his merry time to skirt around the problematic planet? Why not simply fire up that giant ball of hot death and blow the impediment to smithereens?

Hey, I'm no interplanetary expert, but it seems like a good idea in retrospect.

So, with that - why don't we stay in the Star Wars universe for this week's poll.

For the feedback portion of Feedback Monday, what is your favorite movie in the Star Wars franchise?

Tell us all about it. You might even win a prize.

Should be interesting,

Ben O.

(Prize is subject to availability - which at last check was nill.)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#58)

2008-10-29T13:28:00.003-07:00

Hey Devoted Fans!!

It's back!!

The Caption Contest. Your life can return to it's meaningful, wonder-filled existence.

We're here to help.

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#79)

2008-10-10T14:05:00.003-07:00

Okay, we're back!

Enough with all the mushiness, let's get back to business -

This week in keeping with the election theme we sort of have going here in the land of dwindling returns, we here at Procrastination Station want to know who you would vote for if you could elect anyone you want for President.

You can't pick the ones that are actually running, that's boring.

We want to know about your dream candidate. Who is it?

But, we're not finished there. No sir!

You also have to defend your position and explain why Bret Favre would make a good Commander and Chief. What is it about Paris Hilton that you think makes her the perfect fit for the Oval Office?

This should be interesting - Ben O.

BTW - for those of you currently living outside the continental USA, tell us about your nomination for King of the World. (I always feel like I should be standing on the bow of a big ship when I say that.)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#57)

2008-07-23T14:33:00.003-07:00

Okay people,

It's that time again. The hour is upon us and there is no turning back.

But, fortunately this week's picture is a good one. Pretty darn good one at that.

I thought you would agree.

Those captions are gonna be priceless . . . as usual.

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#78)

2008-07-18T12:24:00.005-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

So, it's Sunday and I'm checking out the ads that come bundled in my Sunday Paper. There's all the usual stuff, but one thing hit me as really telling of where we are as a society here in America.

There's a point, so hang in there.

Apparently, there's a new Aerosmith version of the overwhelmingly popular Guitar Hero video game. Hey, I love playing guitar and I even like Aerosmith a little (Their older stuff), but admittedly - I haven't played the game yet.

I know, I know. I've already been told that it's the coolest game ever and I need to venture out of my cave and give it a try. Send me a signed cashier's check for the purchase price and I promise I will.

So, back to the events at hand on Sunday.

I'm flipping through the paper and one of the ads for Aerosmith's Greatest Hits on CD at the new mega-store, "Best Circuit Warehouse City", actually said this -

"Contains songs heard in Guitar Hero"

What!?!

Did I miss something? The CD that has been out since before CDs were invented, has songs contained on it that are from the video game that is younger than my flim?

Am I reading this correctly?

It was in that very moment that I new I was old.

And . . . if you are still reading this, odds are that you are old too.

So, for today's assignment - let's hear all about the goofiest thing you've seen lately come out of our "Miley Cyrus is cool and Pink Floyd is gone" culture. What headline or advertisement out there makes you feel old or out of touch?

This should be interesting.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#56)

2008-06-25T12:13:00.002-07:00

Okay, this week's picture is burning a hole in my hard drive.

I better skip the pleasantries and just toss it up here for you to comment upon.

I warned you.

I warned you all.

Can't wait to read those captions -

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#77)

2008-06-20T14:43:00.002-07:00

Okay, it's that time again.

The best day of the week, IMHO.

So, I'm watching the most craptastic movie of the season thus far, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Space Aliens and a Bunch of Other Cheesy Sillyness" and it occurred to me that I just threw away $9.75.

I almost started crying. Not at how tender the reunion scene is between our beloved hero Indy and his first, true love Marion. No, that was beyond lame. I was tearing up at how long I had worked to earn the money I spent purchasing the ticket for that crap-fest.

Here's something else - Cate Blanchett (who I normally actually like in films) was so unbelievably terrible. I was embarrassed for her and her family and her pets and her first grade teacher. I think we should have a system whereby actors who win academy awards, but then come out and lay steamy turds on screen . . . should have to give up their Oscars.

Sound fair?

I thought so -

Where am I going with all of this?

I'm going right here -

This week's assignment is for you to tell us all about your nominee for the First Annual "Okay, that portrayal sucked the big one, now hand your previously won oscar back over . . . pronto" Award.

It's simple, really. Just pick an academy award winning actor or actress who you think stunk up the screen in a film they were in after having won their award.

What is it about actors - they win the dang thing and then suddenly think they can speak every accent fluently and are God's gift to the silver screen?

Anyway, this should be fun.

I'm so looking forward to reading your comments.

Ben O.

Biff Has Been Found!

2008-06-16T07:03:00.002-07:00

Well, it's finally over.

The nightmare can stop.

We found Evil Twin Biff (See post below).

But, if you still feel like guessing where he is (even though we already know), by all means, knock yourself out.

The Management

Feedback Monday (#76)

2008-06-09T06:58:00.006-07:00

Okay, a few weeks back I told you about the strange disappearance of Evil Twin Biff. Well, here we are today and he still hasn't been heard from. His desk remains as unusually clean as the day we discovered he had a desk. His parking spot has, for the past month, been inhabited by this strange little man with a hot dog and gyro stand. And, even though we figured it for a longshot, he has yet to return to his favorite new restaurant, that new Star Wars themed Asian restaurant that he loves so much - "Padmei Thai".

It's like he just vanished. Walked out into the cornfields never to be seen or heard from again.

Until that is, this morning . . .

I have in my hot little hand a veritable beacon of hope amidst the bleak and desperate vortex of insanity revolving around Evil Twin Biff's inexplicable disappearance.

It's a note.

From Biff.

Written in what appears to be either chocolate fudge or something infinitely less exciting than chocolate fudge. I know the anticipation is palpable, so I won't prolong the agony any further.

Here's what it says -

"Gone Walkabout. Took the laptop and the petty cash. Guess where I am. No, really - Guess."

It goes on to say -

"It'll be fun. Everyone loves a riddle. A puzzle. And this will be the biggest mystery to hit the internet since the confounding popularity of Facebook.

So, with that I bid you farewell. At least until somebody guesses where I am.

Forever Yours - Biff

P.S. I had nothing to do with that unfortunate "Little Bo Peep" incident in Wichita that the news has begun reporting about. Honest, I wasn't even in Kansas."

So, the rest of this post is merely academic.

Today's assignment is as straight forward as they come.

Guess where Evil Twin Biff is. It's that simple. Together we can find him . . . I believe it in my heart of hearts.

Thanks for all your help -

Ben O. (on behalf of the Management)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#55)

2008-05-08T09:24:00.001-07:00

Okay people, it's that time again.

The unpaid intern is literally drowning down in the Procrastination Station sub-basement under the mountains and mountains of letters that we've gotten over the past two days inquiring about whether or not we have any pictures of cars with unusually large missles strapped on them.

You want it, you got it -

I can't wait to read all of your wonderful captions . . .

Ben O.

372,824 Accountants Agree

2008-04-17T07:52:00.002-07:00

Top Ten things that Procrastination Station advises not to say to your Financial Advisor this tax season -

1. "Should I use my real name or what they called me in prison?"

2. "Does cashing out my 401K and taking an all-inclusive Alaskan Cruise count as an early withdrawal?"

3. "I'm thinking about cloning myself so I can have another dependent."

4. "Do you mind if I frisk you and check for any wires or recording devices?"

5. "I have decided to call the money I earn "Shmemcome" instead of "Income" - that way I won't have to report any of it to the IRS."

6. "I thought all I had to do to get an extension was to say "Beatlejuice" three times."

7. "Does the marijuana I'm growing down in the basement qualify me as a farmer?"

8. "I was going to donate that money to charity, but then it occurred to me that I could buy myself an iPod instead and just lie on the tax form."

9. "Come on! Live a little. Move that decimal over a few spaces."

10. "Here, take this box and hide it somewhere. I don't want to know where it is."

Helping the World out, one 1040EZ at a time.

The Management

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#54)

2008-04-10T07:45:00.003-07:00

Okay, it's that time again!

Don't worry, we'll fill you all in on Evil Twin Biff soon enough.

For the time being, let's turn on those wits and get the captions flowing.

I think this week's picture is a pretty good one.

I look forward to reading all of those wonderful captions.

Ben O.

Jazz Appreciation Month

2008-04-09T13:38:00.004-07:00

As every single PS reader out there knows, this month is "Jazz Appreciation Month". As my own form of celebration, I decided to dig deeper into the Miles Davis catalog and really learn all about his music.

It's been a really fun and interesting ride so far. With a little help from iTunes and the Public Library, I have been able to get my hands on a substantial load of material. I'm focusing on his fusion period mostly. I was already a big fan of his more popular albums like "Kind of Blue" and "Birth of the Cool". That's the easy stuff - everyone knows "So What" and "Freddie Freeloader".

The truth is that when Miles started mixing funk and rock elements in with his prodigious jazz skills, things started to really take off. I have to say that I really like the results.

Do yourself a huge favor and check out "In a Silent Way", "Bitches Brew" and even "On the Corner" (if you feel a little adventurious). These aren't hit laden albums, but this is really good, interesting music that won't dissapoint. The list of bands that were influenced by this period in Miles's career is longer than even Miles Davis himself could have predicted.

The best part is when you pop on iTunes and start sorting through this stuff, you're gonna find a handful of incredibly long songs that you can pick up for the same price as some dumb 2 minute song by the most recent American Idol reject. That's a freakin' steal in any language.

Ben O.

BTW - Check this bizarre story out.

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 2)

2008-03-31T08:46:00.005-07:00

So, I'm sitting on the couch eating animal crackers watching the 13th episode of an all-night "Murder, She Wrote" Marathon, when it occurs to me that Evil Twin Biff hasn't yet filed his weekly report with The Iowa State Corrections department on his current whereabouts.

I began to get a tad suspicious . . .

As you will see if you choose to keep reading, I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

I frantically switched the TV over to "Cops", because frankly it's the best way of locating Evil Twin Biff that I've come across so far.

Nothing.

I remembered the avalanche locater beacon that we had surgically implanted in his thigh as a prerequisite requirement to letting him leave the building. Without a second's hesitation, I had the remote access unit in my sweaty lil' palm and I began hammering on the bright, red "find" button. In the past, this has produced one of at least three results -

1. Evil Twin Biff comes running upstairs with crazed, bloodshot eyes screaming in Portuguese "I have to kill the Cap'n! I have to kill the Cap'n!".

2. The neighbor dog goes into a 22 hour coma.

3. Crates of Viagra mysteriously get delivered to every single resident living in the Greater Cincinnati area.

But, strangely nothing happened this time. At least nothing that made CNN.

I called every single one of Biff's Ex-wives and not a word.

I was really getting nervous, when it suddenly hit me - Biff has a cell phone.

I punched out the numbers like I was Lindsey Lohan calling Rehab.

I waited . . . and waited . . . and . . .

(To Be Continued)

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#53)

2008-03-20T07:02:00.002-07:00

Okay people, it's that time again.

Time to welcome in the first day of Spring and dust off those caption-writing caps.

This week's pic is a good one.

I can't wait to read what you all have to say about it.

Should be fun - Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#75)

2008-03-10T10:41:00.008-07:00

So, I see that Madonna has been inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Well, while we're at it, why not just let a little more of the riff raff come scurrying in?

The truth is that I don't have too much of a problem with Madonna, even though I would argue that she has never recorded a rock 'n' roll song in her life. She has always been a larger than life personality and her music has certainly transcended beyond the mere moment into history.

I think the true issue here is with the name of the building, not who has been sneakin' in lately.

It should really be something more like "The If your Career Lasts Long Enough and You have at Least a Handful of Decent Songs" Hall of Fame.

Am I ruffling anybody's feathers here?

Good.

For that matter, did you know that Miles Davis is already in the Hall of Fame? Not the Jazz Hall of Fame, the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

Strangely, I don't even have too much of a problem with this either. Miles was an amazing artist and certainly deserves to be enshrined in some hall of fame somewhere.

When you get right down to it, Hall of Fames are a tad bit silly anyway. So there's a building in Cleveland (why the heck did they pick Cleveland, btw!?!) and supposedly the best rock 'n' roll musicians of all time are enshrined there. If I were to walk in the front door would I see a plaque for KISS or possibly Journey or what about Guns 'n' Roses? No you say?

Well, that sort of proves my point. I would go if I ever found myself near Cleveland (which I probably never will) simply because I love music. But, just because some dudes pick A over B to be enshrined doesn't mean that B doesn't totally rock the house. Many a riff will go ringing on through the night to go unnoticed by those that wield the power.

So, on that note let's transition into this week's feedback question. Don't worry, it's related to the info above.

Who do you think should be inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame that doesn't already have that credit next to their name?

Bring it on - let's get the heated debate started.

Should be interesting - Ben O.

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 1)

2008-03-04T13:17:00.004-07:00

As many of you already know, Evil Twin Biff is out on the road trying to drum up support for Procrastination Station. Ever since the writer's strike, the readership here at our beloved blog has slipped a little. Where we once routinely saw readership in the sixes and sevens, those numbers are now hovering right below two.

That's not exactly primo, people.

So, in an attempt to win back your loyalty, we are going door to door. Well, that's not entirely true. It is Evil Twin Biff after all. He might get sidetracked and spend a few evenings at the local pub. In the case of that happening, feel free to come on down and join him. He doesn't bite (anymore) and if you are really desperate, he can always show you the tattoo he started but never got finished on his left buttock. That's usually good for a few laughs.

While our primary column writer is out (and the overworked, underpaid intern is still downstairs syphoning out rainwater from that awful storm we had last week), we have decided to tap the outside world for some material. Here is what I found today -

I didn't know she could count!?!

Until later - Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#74)

2008-02-25T11:17:00.004-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

Yesterday was, as everyone knows, the Academy Awards. The Oscars (as those of us "in-the-know" like to call them) were predictably inflated and pompous, but somehow still entertaining. The Coen brothers have always been one of my favorite film making teams, so it was certainly nice to see them get some well deserved recognition. I have to say, however, that I was a little sad for George Clooney . . .

Okay, that's a lie.

Seeing as how it's that time of year, and the writers are all happily chained to their IBM Selectric type writers again, let's pose this question on a lovely Monday here on Earth -

What was your "Best Picture" of the year?

That's it. That's the assignment.

What was, in your opinion, the best film made this past year?

And, NO, Driving Miss Daisy was not made this past year. I know that it is perennial favorite around here (Evil Twin Biff actually owns props from the set . . . I won't mention what they actually are), but perhaps we could move on and focus on some of the newer movies gracing the empty and soon-to-be extinct Blockbuster Video shelves.

Can't wait to read all about it -

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#73)

2008-02-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Okay people, it's been a long week. I know the posting has gotten sparse.

At least the quality of each post has been stellar.

No?

Dang!

This week, I (I mean we) are wondering what was the weirdest thing you did this past week.

That's it.

That's the assignment.

And I don't want to hear about how you nailed the solo to Crazy Train on Guitar Hero III. That's just pathetic, no matter how much spandex you have on.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#52)

2008-01-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

It's that time again and I know that every single one of you is chomping at the bit to get your game on.

Let's not prolong the agony any longer, shall we.

Here's the picture this week -

I happen to think it's a good one.

Let's see what you all think . . .

Ben O.

The Most Depressing Day of The Year

2008-01-22T11:46:00.001-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

Yesterday was supposedly "The Most Depressing Day of the Year". Hey, I don't make this stuff up - I heard it on the radio. I guess it has something to do with Christmas expenditure bills coming due and abandoned New Year's Resolutions and the Sun and the Moon aligning and the cost of foreign oil. It all comes to a head on the 3rd Monday in January every year. Wonderful.

With all due respect to the experts at NASA, I would humbly submit that there are actually more depressing days scattered throughout the year. Hey, I'm certainly not a professional, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

(That's not true.)

So, here's a handy, dandy lil' guide as to what we here at Procrastination Station think are actually more depressing days than the official most depressing day of the year -

1. Whatever day The Spice Girls Reunion Tour Extravaganza comes to your town.

2. Feedback Fridays

3. You've all heard of Groundhog day - what about Three-Toed Sloth day? It's pretty depressing.

4. The day that it's your turn to test out the "kicked in the nuts" machine.

5. The day after your car's warranty expires and everything starts falling off en masse as you barrel down the freeway.

Wow, that was actually depressing. I think I need some ice cream.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#51)

2008-01-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well, this image should only cost you about 10-20 words. At least that's about what it should take to construct the World's wittiest caption.

Should be fun.

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#72)

2008-01-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

So last night we were all deprived of the annual privilege of worshipping and celebrating the best and most praise-worthy individuals that live on this planet - movie stars (and TV actors, I know how the Golden Globes works.)

Let me just be the first to say that I didn't really miss it all that much. Am I just being a "Mr. Negative-Pants" or are some of you out there joining me in not being terribly upset about the cancelled awards show? Hey, I love a good movie as much as the next guy (even if the next guy happens to be named Roger Ebert), but couldn't we just get together once or twice a decade and celebrate the movies? Does it really say in the Constitution that we as Americans are required annually to sit through a 17 & 1/2 hour long Hollywood love-fest?

I humbly submit that our beloved founding fathers were wise beyond their years in shaving that portion out of the final draft.

That's just me, though.

Okay, let's be honest here people - not even George Clooney's mother wants to listen to him deliver yet another bloated, over-opinionated acceptance speech for some artsy-fartsy "indie" (Whatever that means!?!) film that nobody will ever go see, but everyone always seems to want to talk about. It's as simple as that.

The only part I actually missed was that infinitely awkward moment where the nerdy costume designer (who they never let out of the sub-basement workshop) is about to finish his speech and they start playing the "That's it, you're done" music and he holds onto the podium for dear life as they mercilessly send in the bouncers to drag his pathetic carcass off into never-ending oblivion.

That's always worth a laugh or two.

So, what part did you miss the most?

That's the assignment this week.

Looking forward to it - Ben O.

May I Have This Dance?

2007-12-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Just what the heck is a Mannheim Steamroller anyway? I always sort of pictured this group of hardcore metal guys, since that name sounds so industrial. But, then I actually listened to a song and . . . not so much. I am now under the assumption that this is not a band or group at all, but merely a dude in his pajamas with one of those super-duper casio keyboards with the pre-recorded bank of "realistic" drum sounds. Has anyone actually seen the members of Mannheim Steamroller? I would love to be proven wrong here, because the name is so intriguing.

And for that matter, why does my local radio station refer to The Transiberian Orchestra as simply TSO? News Flash - That does not (repeat DOES NOT) make them any cooler or enhance the quality of the musical product in anyway. Just a heads up on that one.

As any casual PS reader will attest, we like our music here at The Station. Even Christmas music. There are some really great songs out there that only get played around this time of the year.

And then there's this sub-genre of somewhat-less-than-awesome music out there that has mysteriously been invited to the party.

Now, I'm not complaining (I would never do that). It's a free country. If John Tesh and Sally Struthers want to record a duet of The First Noel and flood the airwaves with it, I say "Go for it". I'm just a tad bit confused when I hear that the most requested song at 74% of the office parties in the Midwest is "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" as performed by Megadeth. That just ain't right, I don't care how much eggnog you done had.

So, is there a lesson to be learned here? Most likely.

Do I know what it is yet? Absolutely not.

I think if you are going to take anything away from this post, let it be this -

Someday (and it's going to be sooner than later) you're gonna find yourself at an office party in the back room of one of those disturbingly perky restaurants on the outskirts of town, trapped near the stuffed-shrimp appetizer table talking with Shirley from HR about her kids' gymnastics class, when all of a sudden some genius decides to pop their brand spankin' new copy of TSO's Greatest Hits into the stereo.

What do you do?

Simple - you grab your ankles and die like a Marine.

And when the night is over and you've already broken every single new years resolution you have yet to set for yourself, and you've publicly eaten yourself into early retirement, and (through strategic mistletoe avoidance) managed to only kiss 7 people you didn't even know worked for your company (and will never see again) - then (and only then) will you understand the true meaning of Christmas.

Ben O

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#50)

2007-12-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, get those wits out and dust 'em off.

I said "wits".

The picture this week is pretty good. Plenty of room to work with this beauty.

I told you -

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#71)

2007-12-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

Wouldn't it be great if there was a giant tape recorder (anyone under 23 please utilize Google to learn what a "tape recorder" is)out there for each one of us just whizzing away while we go about our daily lives? Then whenever we say or do something totally awesome (which, of course, we do all the dang time) we could just plop ourselves down on the couch with an extra-size bag of Doritos and enjoy the playback.

No takers?

Oh well.

It does give me an idea for our weekly (or bi-weekly . . . or semi-per-annually) feedback session we like to call "Feedback Friday".

This week we here at company headquarters want to know about the goofiest, funniest, strangest thing you have ever said (or heard said by someone else) to a child.

Now pay attention 'cause the gray area gets a bit muddier right about now -

This isn't "Kid's say the Dang-darned-est Things" ala Bill Cosby. We all know that little girls and boys can say some really funny-cool things. I'm all about that, but not today. (Incidentally, if you want to read a PS post about something funny I overheard a kid say - check this out).

Today we want to hear about the bizarre words you have discovered leaving your mouth in response to something your child has done.

I'm gonna go ahead and get the party started this week with a pretty decent lil' gem I muttered less than 24 hours ago in what could pretty safely be described as the only logical and natural response (once you hear the statement) to something my beautiful lil' boy was doing at the time -

"Son, please stop licking the dishwasher."

You get the picture -

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#70)

2007-11-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

So, I'm sitting there on the couch at 2:11 AM in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas watching the last few minutes of a documentary on The Discovery Channel about this team of researchers on a 17 year long, immersive, in-the-wild, grizzly bear artificial insemination program; when this commercial comes on with one of those infinitely-less-than cute Christmas songs playing in the background and a thought suddenly pops into my head . . .

Let's do a Feedback Friday questionnaire about Christmas Music. But let's mix it up PS style and ask about Christmas Music that isn't really Christmas Music. That will be so genuine and so original that the readership of the blog can do nothing but instantaneously skyrocket into the stratosphere.

Okay, then. It's a done deal.

So, that's the assignment today -

Tell us about a Christmas song that you either like or don't like that you think shouldn't be a Christmas song. Everyone has heard them. They get snuck in there alongside the likes of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", "Deck the Halls" and "I Saw Mommy Down in the Basement Bottling Moonshine with Santa" like nobody was paying attention.

Listen here Mr. Man. We are paying attention.

We're no dummies.

So, that's what we want to know about today.

I can't wait to hear your thoughts and/or opinions on the "Poser Christmas Song" subject.

Ben O.

Ten Little Piggies '07

2007-11-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

This little piggy's in prison,

This little piggy lied about his educational background in order to get a position at one of the better companies on the West Coast,

This little piggy has separation issues,

This little piggy got fired,

This little piggy went to Whole Foods Market,

This little piggy's retired.

This little piggy likes Starbucks,

This little piggy's got none,

This little piggy took out an ill-advised mortgage loan and was so over-extended that he's subsequently defaulted into the hideous vortex of the nine rings of bankruptcy hell,

and this little piggy cried all the way home.

The End

Set the iPod for Stun, Captain

2007-11-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

We proudly present The Procrastination Station Top Ten Thanksgiving Songs of All Time -

1. "The Last Pumpkin Pie on Earth" by Withering Dumplin

2. "The Thanksgiving Waltz" by The Soggy Stuffing Boys (with Pappy Longflap on Stand-Up Bass)

3. "No Sleep 'Til Puddin'" by Grandmaster Greensleeves

4. "Rockin' Around the Leftovers" by Bilbo and the Baginses

5. "Please, Please, Please Let me Get What I Want . . . More Mashed Potatoes" by The Sloths

6. "Congealed Salad on My Mind" by Willie Nelson, jr.

7. "Giblet Gravy, Baby!" by Big Bad Doofus Daddy

8. "Pretty Lil' Wishbone" by Sarafina Buenoano

9. "Shoppin' at the Butt Crack O' Dawn" by Albino Forever

10. "The Cranberry Sauce Jiggle" by Mortimer Dorfman and the Mortimer Dorfman Sextet (with accompanying interpretive dance)

**Unfortunately due to an apparent severe lack of interest, the songs on this list are no longer available on iTunes (or anywhere else for that matter.)

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#49)

2007-11-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

I'm gonna do just one more Star Wars pic and then I'll give you all a lil' break from the force.

Okay?

Great, glad we are all in agreement.

I know how much everyone out there just adores the Star Wars pics. Those freakin' Star Wars pics. You can probably see them in your sleep.

No?

Okay then, here goes -

This one should be good.

I look forward to reading all those captions.

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#69)

2007-10-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

All Hallow's Eve is creeping ever closer and I haven't even trimmed the words "Trick or Treat" into the hedge yet.

Oh, the shame of it.

The good news (yep, there's good news) is that I did get the check written for this year's dues to The Creepiest Guy Around Society, so that shipment of dry ice and recycled fake spider webs should be arriving any minute now.

And, yes . . . that is a lightsabre and not merely the proof that I'm glad to see you, residing in my pocket. (Guess what I'm going as this year. Go ahead - guess.)

So, since it's way too scary around here for anything else - this week's Feedback Question simply must coincide.

Here goes -

What scares you the most?

That's it. That's the assignment.

Tell us all about that secret fear. The thing you never tell anyone about because it's just too frightening and you're worried about sending yourself into a shaking fit from which you might never return.

Woooooooo Haa Haa Haa Haa Haa

(Can you feel the artificially enhanced spookiness already?)

Should be fun . . .

Ben O.

The Proverbial End of the World

2007-10-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

All State Insurance isn't available in "all states".

I was as surprised as you undoubtedly are.

So, the end of the world is coming (or so my horoscope calendar tells me (I have got to get a more upbeat calendar)) and I still haven't climbed Mt. Everest or composed my opus masterpiece concerto or even seen Delaware. Apparently, I came to a fork in the road and instead of heeding Frost's advice and venturing on down the road less traveled, I pulled over into the ditch, busted out the hibachi of indecision and proceeded to brown myself some wieners. Can you think of a better place to throw a tailgate party?

I should think not.

Now, unless you are wearing the wrong prescription glasses again, are too cheap to replace the light bulbs in your bedroom or have been conducting experiments on blind, albino cave rodents for the past three months, you have probably seen the writing on the wall. Directly to the left of where it says "pimp yo fashizzle", are the words "The Future is Now".

Couldn't be clearer if it was shipped from Waterford, my friend.

Now I'm no expert and I certainly don't have a degree in Personal Motivation (Although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once . . . I think), but isn't it time we took back what is rightfully ours? Shouldn't we stand up to the tyranny of complacency and demand a better today? Can't we expect thicker, gooier cheese on our Sbarros pizza?

I humbly submit that IT IS, we SHOULD and yep . . . we most certainly CAN (Except in parts of Rhode Island and New Jersey due to some archaic and poorly written zoning laws.)

(Insert Rocky Training Montage Music Here)

Wow, I need to sit down.

That's all I have to say on that . . .

Ben O.

I Don't Think That's Legal, Dude

2007-10-19T07:18:00.000-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

It's Friday and you know what that means?

No, and shame on you for thinking that.

Actually, we like to do a little thing we call Feedback Friday on . . . Friday (or Saturday or Sunday or Monday or - you get the picture.)

But, for some reason I'm feeling a little adventurous this week.

So, we're gonna combine the Super Fantastic Caption Contest with Feedback Friday and have something called -

The Super Feedback-tastic Friday Caption Contest.

Hopefully the moon will remain in orbit and the neighbors won't need to alert the authorities . . . again.

So, here is the picture and please be sure and leave a wonderful caption along with any additional thoughts and/or ponderings that might be pertinent.

Should be fun . . .

Ben O.

Does Anyone Have a Broom I Can Borrow?

2007-10-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Two Words -

WORLD SERIES

Okay, maybe it should really be three words -

WORLD SERIES SWEEP

Ben O.

Go Rockies!!!

Feedback Monday (#68)

2007-10-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Okay People, here's one for ya . . .

I'm driving in to work this morning here at the beautiful and spacious Procrastination Station compound and it hits me that the Colorado Rockies are one lil' teensy weensy win away from going to The WORLD SERIES.

I said WORLD SERIES.

How do you believe it!?!

The thing is that not every fan likes the same sport.

Baseball might not do it for you.

Hey, that's cool.

So, I'm wondering what our readers' favorite sports are . . .

That's the assignment.

I'm not naive. I know there are a few people on Earth who don't live in the USA, so let's hear all about those fun, interesting sports you have where you live, that we don't even know how to pronounce.

This should be educational -

Ben O.

What the Heck is Going on Here!?!

2007-10-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

So, we finally got back from our big Birthday Bash-o-rama. Yep, the reason that day was so special was that it was our 2 year blog-birthday. The celebration, as was to be expected, spontaneously spilled over into the next month and before long, a few of the less-than-dependable employees here at The Station took to calling in sick so they could continue to enjoy $0.25 drinks and free buffalo wings down at O'Herlihy's Bar. I believe they were using the term "walkabout", in a pitiful attempt at couching their exploits in something a tad bit more glamorous ala Crocodile Dundee. The saddest part is that we've had to let Spivey go and as of this morning, nobody has heard anything from Evil Twin Biff or the intern.

The Vancouverville police have subsequently advised us that we really can't file an official missing persons report until the next of kin are able to prove that they have actually been missing for at least 23 consecutive days. I believe the rule was enacted in response to Biff's last run in with law enforcement. You may remember the whole "Storming the Mutual of Omaha Building and taking no prisoners" incident.

No?

Consider yourself lucky.

So, on a lighter note the Management here at Procrastination Station would like to extend our most heartfelt and sincere apologies to those loyal readers out there who rely upon our outlet for their regular dose of wit, humor and/or entertainment. You three are the ones that really matter and it's simply wrong to have let you down lo these past few weeks.

With any luck, we'll see the intern come stumbling in through those big, gold plated doors any minute now and we can get this machine oiled up and back to running smoothly once again.

Thanks for the patience . . .

Ben O.

Top Ten Favorite Dance Titles

2007-09-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

In honor of the return of Dancing With the Stars, the crack team of researchers here at Procrastination Station is proud to present our Top 10 Favorite Dance Titles . . .

1. The Twinkle

2. Fifi's Lament

3. Grandparents Gone Bad

4. The Rasputin Shuffle

5. Liquored Up and Ready to Go

6. Forever Naked

7. The Funky Amish Elder

8. Now You See It, Now You Don't

9. Toe Cheese Swap

10. The Stoned Sasquatch

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#47)

2007-09-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's that time again and I know you are all chomping at the bit to provide us all with some witty captions.

Enjoy!

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#67)

2007-09-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Friday and that can only mean one thing.

Hello!?!

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm typing into the void?

Has it been that long since we posted?

Don't give up on us, we're still here . . .

Dwervis McTabernash (the underpaid, overworked intern), Evil Twin Biff and myself. Oh, and that hot chick in accounting.

We're not going anywhere, believe you and me.

So, let's get to the feedback before you forget why you stopped by.

This week, we want to know about your favorite month.

That's all there is to it this time around.

Tell us all about your favorite month . . . and why.

We always want to know why.

Should be fun -

Ben O.

No Purchase Necessary

2007-08-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

$100 for the first person who can correctly tell me why last Thursday was so freakin' special.

The Management

(Legal Disclaimer - Contest open to any and all living citizens of Planet Earth. You must be at least 79 years of age and have visited all 7 continents (including Antarctica) to collect prize money. No persons named Rappaport, Slinkheimer and/or Kkhrstykn allowed (This goes back to that "Freshman Water Balloon incident".) Upon verification of correct answer, the winner will be paraded across America and Iceland on a whirlwind ribbon cutting tour, taught to ride a burro and bare-hand spanked in the traditional Dakotian manner befitting all worthy prize winners. The money will be paid in lump sum installments to be distributed each and every leap year. Said money is not real money, of course, but pretend money similar in size, appearance and general heft to the multicolored faux money that is included in the standard issue Monopoly board game.)

Good Luck!

The Rewind Button Shall Set You Free

2007-08-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Wasn't it the oft-forgotten French philosopher and racquetball player, Antoine chandelier, who once infamously said "Let our children not be such a pain in our bottoms, for the knowest not what they do"?

I know that today's technology and scientific advances place us squarely in one of the most exciting times to be alive yet (excluding of course that whole nasty medieval era they toyed around with over in Europe a few years back). The truth is that you can't fling a dead lobster these days (oh, how I love to fling those dead lobsters) without having it hit some unsuspecting techno-geek in the nose.

Mind you, those techno-geeks everywhere. And why shouldn't they be?

The sad part to my lil' story is what they neglected to mention when I traded in my sanity for the newly upgraded version 2.01. Namely, that some of the old, outdated stuff is actually pretty cool. Now, I'm not saying that 8 Track players are superior to iPods. Any casual music listener can successfully choose the better of those two inventions. It's just a little sad that my son will never know what a record is, or what roller skates look like, or even what Jimmy Buffet was talking about when he "blew out his flip flop" by "stepping on a pop-top." For that matter, does any kid born within the past 5 years even know what a "rewind" button is?

The blank stares coming in are answer enough.

For cryin' out loud, I can see it now. We're all gonna have to pack up the SUV and head into town so I can take the family to the Natural History Museum and show them all the "Ancient History" exhibit. I hear they have a great collection of '80s Hair Metal cassette tapes.

Those were the days . . . even if $4 coffee wasn't yet a twinkle in Steve Jobs' eye.

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#66)

2007-08-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, I'm up bright and early and wondering what we can ask the masses this week and it occurs to me that we have not been too terribly supportive of the literary world lately.

That's gotta change, my friends.

A blog that doesn't promote the finer aspects of life is a little like a hot air balloon without a complete collection of potato chips that look like Bob Hope.

I'm not sure what that means . . .

Anyway, this week's question is our humble attempt at pulling ourselves out of the dark ages and once again lifting up the arts.

So, let's get right to it -

Who is your favorite character in literature?

That's it . . . that's the assignment.

Tell us all which fictional character you are fondest of and why.

It's not like there aren't a freakin' bazillion dudes to choose from.

Maybe it's the way Professor Moriarty was written so slyly into the shadows or how Jason Bourne never quite comes to terms with the pieces of his life as he discovers them, or it might even be the result of that enormous man-crush you've had on Mr. Darcy since you discovered the joy of reading back in junior high.

Let's hear all about it -

Should be fun.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#46)

2007-08-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, get those brains out of the closet and fire 'em up because it's Caption Contest time again!

This week we've got something extra special for you.

Long time readers of the blog will no doubt recognize the star of today's photo from his previous appearance in our lil' weekly contest. That makes him (name unknown, but I'm guessing it's something like Dweevus or Mr. Dumples) the current king of wackiness.

Be proud, Tron Boy, be proud.

So, with that, let's get right to it -

I told you it was going to be special . . .

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#45)

2007-08-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Okay people, this week's picture is a good one for sure.

I'm looking forward to reading all of your comments and captions.

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#65)

2007-08-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

The end of the world did not occur this past weekend and subsequently I now find myself sitting at the same flickering screen I always find myself sitting at after having just awaken from yet another end-of-the-word-less weekend.

So, what does that mean for you?

It means we need to get some feedback up in there.

And pronto.

This one's good, though. No need to hang your head and get all discouraged. The idea here is to have some fun connecting with each other and learning from what others have to say.

So, without any further belaborement (is that a word?) . . .

What would you be doing (professionally) if you could do anything you wanted?

That's it, that's the assignment.

Now, be careful with this one. Nobody won the Paris Hilton lotto here. You still have to work at an actual job and there are no trips around the world involved here, unless you want to be a cruise ship skipper.

This is simply the typical what is your "dream job" question that I'm sure I'm already being investigated for stealing from at least 13 blogs.

It should be fun and I know that I can't wait to hear what everyone has to contribute to the discussion.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#44)

2007-07-25T10:53:00.001-07:00

Hey, it's Back!

No, not complimentary hair removal.

The Super Fantastic Caption Contest.

Can you contain yourselves?

I should think not -

I look forward to checking out all those captions . . .

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#64)

2007-07-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

Say hey - it's Monday!

So, the big Summer of '07 is about half over and what do you have to show for yourself Spicolli?

I thought so, Mister!

We needeth feedback and that's where we've decided to go this morning, devoted readers (excuse me, I mean reader).

We want to know all about the things that you planned on doing this summer but haven't. Fortunately the heatwave ain't completely over yet, so let's name 'em and claim 'em.

Think of it as one part homework and one part life-goal reminder.

Should be interesting at the very least . . .

Ben O.

Saving The Planet One Thong at a Time

2007-07-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

When did a ball cap, neon flip flops and a "Dale Earnhardt Forever" jersey become the outfit of choice for everything from weddings to funerals?

I'm no expert, but it seems pretty clear that the big "dress-down" experiment we all so enthusiastically embarked upon a few years ago is currently failing faster than a stoner in advanced algebra. Apparently, everyone, myself included, was so eager to ditch the suit and tie for something a lil' bit more comfortable that we never even gave a passing thought to what the future might hold. Well, the future is now and it's none too pretty my Hawaiian-print encrusted compadre.

So, put down that venti non-fat latte, remove that ridiculous bluetooth ear-phone monstrosity and lend me your bruised and battered sense of fashion for a few precious moments.

It's time to right the ship . . .

First of all, "Coach" shorts have never, are never and will never be in style and are supremely unfashionable unless you happen to find yourself standing on the sideline wearing a little metal whistle around your neck. Burn them immediately.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, let's get down to some fashion do's and don't's that should be (but sadly, aren't) common sense.

- Wicker should be sat upon, not worn turban-style around the head. At last count, at least 3 people had died or complained of severe headaches due to complications from being stabbed in the forehead by stray strands of wood.

- Pith helmets, tank-tops, chain-mail armor, fishing waders and anything bearing the likeness of Celine Dion are just a few of the items that should never be worn to Church.

- Clothes made out of paper should never be worn in public, unless you are particularly forgetful and are constantly in need of a place to jot down little notes to yourself.

- If the words "parachute" and "pants" are found anywhere on the label, put the item down and slowly (make that, quickly) exit the boutique. You'll thank me later.

- Emulating a fashion icon can be productive as long as it's not a member of the now defunct hardcore metal band "Skull Slap 3000".

- Just because you're hungry does not entitle you to leave the house in an edible garment. Save it for your honeymoon, Romeo.

Stay safe out there -

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#63)

2007-07-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's a good one for ya . . .

Naturally every single person out there who has ever read a word of this drivel is absolutely perfect.

But, let's pretend for a second that there was actually some little thing about yourself that didn't quite meet with those ultra-high standards.

In this fairy-pretend land . . . let's say that you could magically change that part of yourself and instantly become all that you were meant to be.

And you and the giant toad and the little people would all ride off into the Hollywood induced sunset.

Unfortunately, the World (even the pretend World here within the comfy confines of Procrastination Station) won't allow for such shenanigans.

Even so, that's your homework assignment this week.

We want to know all about that part of yourself that you would change were you able to do so.

It can be a physical trait, a supposed personality flaw or even an inability to understand and appreciate the humor of certain Scandinavian comedians.

We just want to hear about it.

So, let's hear about it.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#43)

2007-06-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Bada Bing - Bada Bang

Gotta have more of that thang . . .

Well, okay. If you've gotta have it.

This week's pic is a good one. I can't believe I didn't think of posting it a long time ago.

Enjoy!

Ben O.

BTW - If you're interested in hearing all about why Journey belongs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, check this essay out.

If you're not, don't.

Feedback Monday (#62)

2007-06-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

Uh, I guess I should post something and calm the growing fears that we're leaving the internet for good.

You should be so lucky.

The awful truth is that I was just slacking.

It's as simple as that.

Can't a guy take a little time and contemplate the deeper questions in life? Like "Why are we here?", "What does it all mean?" and "Why am I watching handwriting analysis of Paris Hilton from jail?"

I thought so.

The good news is that another Monday has erupted onto the scene and we are left, as usual, to make some sense of it.

Shall we?

A couple of weeks ago, we went to see The Police in concert and it got me thinking about some of the other bands out there that might be worth selling off a couple of acres of land to go see.

So, that's it . . . that's the assignment.

What musical group (that is currently NOT together) would you like to see get back together and rock the house?

This should be fun -

Ben O.

Thanks for The Memories

2007-06-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

So, the big "First Father's Day/Birthday Celebration Galore" Weekend is over and only one person got sent to prison. That's pretty good considering the riff-raff we have working here at The Station in our Summer Intern Program. I was particularly worrisome that the people down the hall on staff at the ever-popular blog "I Love My Hamster" would finally decide that they had heard enough and march their spindly, geeky legged selves down here and get all up in our faces. But, it never happened.

Thankfully.

The last time we upset those guys was about a year ago at the annual "All building Dodgeball and Mayhem Meet-n-Greet Picnic" out in the parking lot of our 7 story magna-boring office complex. Apparently Evil Twin Biff was refilling his tequila spritzer when they discussed the portion of the rules that included that part about (and I quote) "Nailing a nerd upside his geek-encrusted head-melon". Anyway, suffice it to say that surrounded by 12 and a half angry hamster enthusiasts wielding bags full of cheetos and over-inflated dodgeballs is not exactly where you want to find yourself on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I can still feel the sting.

This year, however, was much more enjoyable. The food was exceptional and whoever was incharge of hiring that heavy-metal Air Supply cover band deserves a promotion. I can say with utmost confidence that I will probably never hear another 27 minute, multi-guitar solo version of "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" again no matter how long I live.

The absolute best part of the entire weekend, though was the gifts. Say what you will about Procrastination Station employees, but when it comes to honoring one of their own, they go above and beyond. I think I can actually wear some of those clothes in public and that inflatable body-part life raft . . . that is really gonna come in handy the next time we hit the beach.

So, before we go and get too sentimental, let me just thank everyone for the lovely birthday sentiments and over-the-top cubicle decorations. They say that you really only have one true birthday and every other year after that you are actually celebrating the anniversary of that first birthday. Well, this year's anniversary was certainly a good one.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#42)

2007-06-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, get those caption-creating muscles warmed up and dusted off.

It's that time again -

In keeping with our Joshua Tree Celebration theme this week, we have a pretty interesting picture.

It's sort of Joshua Tree themed, at least.

I have no idea who these bozos are, but I bet you all have some pretty wacky explanations for the apparent shenanigans.

Can't wait to read those comments.

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#61)

2007-06-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Okay People,

It's Monday again and since we can't seem to figure out how to get Feedback Friday posted on Friday, let's go ahead and do it on Monday . . . again.

Any complaints?

Okay then -

This year is the 20th Anniversary of the release of U2's masterpiece The Joshua Tree, and we here at Procrastination Station think it warrants at least a day full of feedback in celebration.

So, in honor of that magnificent album, we want to know all about your favorite album.

That's it, that's the assignment.

In this age of single-song downloads and disposable, party-girl music it's nice to sit back and remember that real rockstars used to actually write their own songs (that didn't totally suck) and play their own instruments (without the help of computerized tone correcting software) way back in the not so distant past. The "album" is a fading artform and we're not gonna let it completely disappear into our collective memory without a little bit more fanfare.

Should be a good time in the comments section this week . . .

Ben O.

The Song of The Week (#7)

2007-06-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

After a short, 5 month hiatus . . . it's back!

The Management

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#41)

2007-05-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

Dude, I have been the worst blog-keeper ever lately.

(The gallery nods their collective head)

Well, no point complaining about it now. We are all in this together and since we still have 37 years left on our rent agreement, The Station is going to be around for quite some time.

So, let's see if we can arouse the wittiness inside ourselves . . .

I think this week's picture is going to be fruitful.

Enjoy - Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#40)

2007-05-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

Let's go with a musical theme for this week's Super Fantastic Caption Contest, they said in this week's planning meeting.

Okey, Dokey.

How's this?

I thought so . . .

Ben O.

Feedback Monday (#60)

2007-05-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Say Hey, It's Monday!

So what, you ask?

It's the perfect time for us all to get some feedback up in here.

I know it's supposed to happen on Friday, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And less than desperate times call for moving Feedback Friday to Monday and calling it Feedback Monday . . . and everyone else playing along like it was a cool idea and possibly even planned.

Can ya dig?

So, here's the homework assignment this week -

What is your "Life Motto"?

Everyone has some sort of credo that they generally live their non-descript, pathetic little life by and we want to know all about yours.

If you haven't ever taken the opportunity to sit down in front of your flickering computer screen, think about it and attempt to put it into a few select words . . . well, today is your lucky day then because now you can. And you better do it, or else somebody downstairs is gonna let the dogs out.

This should be alot of fun -

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#39)

2007-05-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Okay people, it's time again for another Caption Contest . . . again.

Hey - I don't make the calendar, I just obey it.

This week's shot is a gem.

Have at it . . .

Ben O.

Anna Nicole Has Left the Building

2007-05-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Can someone please tell me Why I got arrested last night trying to set fire to the Grocery store checkout magazine rack.

Anyone?

Now, I don't have the entire U.S. Penal Code memorized (unlike in my youth), but didn't they recently decide to allow up to three counts of arson - per person - per calendar year?

No?

Inconceivable.

Okay, on a serious note, I'd like to propose a new and exciting layout for the Modern American Grocery Store checkout area. Instead of endless counters of magazines proclaiming wild accusations about whether or not Bat-boy and Angelina's adopted Antarctican daughter have conceived their first love child, how's about some good ole' fashion porn?

That's a joke.

Funny you should ask, though, 'cuz it ain't that far from it already. Between Lindsay and Jessica and Christina and Yolonda and Lil' Miss Thang and that guy from those creepy, yet uncomfortably interesting spray-deodorant ads, all I see before me when I'm standing there in line is exactly 3 shoes, 1 shirt and what I can only hope was at one time a pair of panties.

And that's in the express lane!

And, believe you and me, it doesn't get a whole lot better standing behind The Marlboro man and his girlfriend, Lola in the "15 items or more loser lane". Here, the pre-selected reading material, that isn't already covered up with plastic "safety-plates" for fear of upsetting the faint of heart (whatever that means), is . . . well, let's just say what it isn't. What it isn't is pretty much what's been missing from society since around the time MTV stopped playing music.

Now, I don't want to get five hundred thousand emails about how the world is a better place now that our collective sensibility is so progressive and able to tolerate whatever comes down the pike no matter how utterly and completely unacceptable it may be. Our staff simply can't handle it. Heck, the crack team of email answering interns is downstairs in the sub-basement right now, still recovering from that time I proposed criminalizing "crappy" music.

Who knew that so many Michael Bolton fans read my blog. Those people are powerful when they band together in protest, let me tell you.

So, where am I going with all of this?

Funny you should ask, because I have no idea.

Ben O.
BTW -

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#38)

2007-05-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

It's time to get a lil' bit political (or not . . . that's up to you) with this week's Caption Contest Photo.

It's just too ripe for possibilities not to post -

As per usual, I look forward to reading all those comments.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#37)

2007-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well . . .

Another week, another Weekly Caption Contest.

This week's exercise promises to be a fun one.

I think the picture is actually pretty darn good. I wanted to find something that wasn't obviously funny at first glance, but that would afford ample oppurtunity to expand and improvise. I trust that the wittiest blog-readers in the known universe (how's that for sucking up?) can certainly get those funny juices flowing.

I look forward to reading all those comments . . .

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#59)

2007-04-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Would it kill Baby to be put in the freakin' corner?

What if he was right, what if we CAN"T handle the truth?

And, while I'm at it . . .

Have you ever actually taken a whiff of napalm in the morning? It ain't good.

Now, before you dial the last digit of the Funny Farm and have a courtesy car swing by my place, there is a point here somewhere.

I want to know about your favorite movie-quote of all time.

That's it . . . that's the homework assignment this week.

It's not as simple as it sounds, though.

I also want to know why it's your favorite.

Should be fun . . .

Ben O.

BTW - if you come lookin' to me for sympathy when you can't come up with a cool reason for liking the quote you like . . .

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Feedback Friday (#58)

2007-04-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

Okay people . . .

This Friday, we're gonna run-down our lil' list of 10 favorite beers.

I was planning on posting this last week, but then I realized that alcoholic endeavours and Good Friday just don't mix well.

So, I'm posting it today.

Before we begin, let me preface by saying that factors other than flavor were taken into account in creating this list. Our crack team of dedicated tasters also looked at each beer's availability, history, packaging and of course, coolness.

So, here they are . . .

The Top 10 Beers according to the Staff of Procrastination Station -

1. Guinness - This is the fashizzle and even though it has slipped a little in utter-coolness (since it's freakin' everywhere) a pint of Guinness is, for my money, still the most enjoyable beer experience out there.

2. New Belgium 1554 - New Belgium, in Ft. Collins, Colorado is best known for their Fat Tire (which is pretty good). What most people don't know is that it isn't even the brewery's 2nd best beer. 1554 is easily the best product they ship with the overwhelmingly expensive La Folie following right behind.

3. Rolling Rock - Okay, I know this beer isn't going to win any awards. I just like it. I think having a picture of a horse on your bottle and some mysterious saying about the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe makes it even cooler to drink. And isn't it all about being cool?

4. Hale's Cream Ale - I think that Hale's is one of Seattle's best undiscovered beer treasures. There's just something about that creaminess and drink-ability.

5. Fuller's London Pride - This is a great beer and it has the awards to prove it. I love how old the breweries are over in the UK. I'm pretty sure this one has been around for about 3,000 years.

6. Mackeson Stout - I must admit a taste for darker beers and this doesn't disappoint. I can't even remember why I began drinking Mackeson, but it somehow seems to get better and better each time I partake.

7. Caledonian Deuchars IPA - I discovered this gem in Edinburgh and I haven't been the same since. If only they would open a franchise-location in Denver, all would be right with the world.

8. Shiner Bock - Brewed in Texas with attitude. I think I still have some wooden "free sample" tokens from the tour.

9. Redhook ESB - This beer should be so much bigger than it is right now. There's a reason everyone single person in the Pacific Northwest drinks this beer. It's good. The brewery has style too. Nice outfit.

10. Stella Artois - Okay, I know this has become the most ultra-sheik beer around. You can't go anywhere without somebody handing you a bottle of it like they personally discovered some new "unknown" treasure. With any other flashy, Euro-Beer it would be so easy to just smile, drink some, dismiss it and move on. The problem with Stella is that it actually tastes really good. I give it very high marks. I guess Belgium is the promised land of beer after all.

Now, I would never even consider that my list is going to be the same as your list.

That's where the feedback portion of this lil' exercise comes in to play . . .

Your homework assignment is to leave your own top 10 (or fewer . . . or more) in our comments section.

I'm already looking forward to reading all about it

Ben O.

Kurt Vonnegut, Dead at 85

2007-04-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Kurt Vonnegut died earlier today.

I think his official website sums up what I believe his "take" on things to be -

http://www.vonnegut.com

As an avid reader and even more loyal enjoyer of his books, this is the kind of news that, though completely expected at some future point in space and time, still comes as a surprise.

I honestly don't know a whole heckuva lot about his life and interests and stuff, and to be perfectly honest, I doubt that the two of us would even have been able to hang out and converse together for any extended period of time.

What I do know about Kurt is that he had an uncanny ability to create and tell the most insanely interesting stories.

I haven't read him in over a year, but after hearing of Mr. Vonnegut's passing, I will undoubtedly shift the pile a little and give the next book of his in it an unfair advantage at making the top . . . that's for sure.

For my money, his forte' was how he was able to mix genres and always seemed to know just when to toss the unexpected supernatural or unexplainable element into the pot to keep it from boiling over with predictability.

He is best known, of course for the book "Slaughterhouse Five", but I would actually recommend checking out some of his other stuff as well. "The Sirens of Titan" is a really interesting story with a fun ending. "Bluebeard" is easy to read and rewards in typical Vonnegut fashion. I think my favorite of his, however, is "Mother Night". Read it and see if you don't agree that when it's all said and done, you'll only get as confused as he wants you to be.

Classic.

So, in closing I would just like to thank Kurt for the stories and wish him well in all his future endeavors. (That seems about right, doesn't it?)

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#36)

2007-04-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

I'm gonna try my darndest to get the weekly features posted on their correct days this week.

Tuesday is Super Fantastic Caption Contest day, or at least it was originally supposed to be that way.

So, here goes . . .

This one is pretty strange.

Possibly even disturbing.

I can't wait to read all about it.

Ben O.

(My apologies to anyone related to or married to either of these two doofuses, anyone professionally associated with the Tron and/or Harry Potter franchises, anyone even remotely fond of Halloween and anyone in general.)

The Geezer Gap

2007-04-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's one for ya . . .

Am I the only one having a hard time dealing with the fact that my parents are way cooler and more technologically equipped than I?

(Did I delete that email thinking that it was just another unwanted bit of spam?)

They just completed a 95 year study over in Sweden and I'm not alone in this by a longshot. Apparently, 72% of people my age (wouldn't you like to know . . .) responded in the affirmative when consistently and repetitively questioned "Do you feel as if your parents have sexier technological gadgets than you?" (Of course the staff at Ikea readily admit that the numbers might be a little skewed because they weren't able to chase down and catch everyone in the research/study group.)

The idea here is not to point fingers and lay blame. Oh No. The real aim of this inquiry is to get to the bottom of what we will from here on out call the "Geezer Gap".

Now, let's start out by establishing a baseline. I don't live in a cave. I had an Atari and I knew how to use it. I spent my childhood playing the most uber-cutting edge games available for Commodore 64 AND Super NES. Truth be known, in my heyday, you could have even called me a geek. That's right . . . a geek.

But not now.

Nope.

I'm no longer a dweeb or a nerd or a techie. Now I'm just a doofus.

I think everything began tumbling downhill a few years ago when my beloved Mom showed me her brand-spankin' new cell phone and I realized in horror that it had more memory than my desktop computer.

That ain't right.

Can I get a Witness?

I can still remember the days when my parents would call me to see if I had gotten their email.

Now I love my parents dearly, but we are way too cool to let this go on one mili-second longer. We have got to break out of our collective funk, tuck in our shirts, band together and put an end to the ever-expanding "Geezer Gap" before someone gets hurt.

And while I'm at it . . . would it kill ya to play some freakin' music, MTV? (if I'm not mistaken, the "M" did at least used to stand for "Music", yes?)

Ben O.

Sub-Basement Post-It Notes

2007-04-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

Evil Twin Biff

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#35)

2007-04-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

Okay people, I have another picture for you to comment upon.

It goes without saying, that the funnier the caption, the higher the cash payout.

(Wink, Wink)

So, here goes . . .

I can't wait to read those captions -

Ben O.

(BTW - This is NOT my kid and I have no idea whose poor child it actually is. I normally shy away from exploiting the overflowing reservoir of alltogether creepy "let's-pose-our-infant-with-something-adult-and-take-a-bunch-of-pictures" type shots, but the look on this lil' baby's face just won me over.)

Feedback Wednesday (#57)

2007-03-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

Okay people, I ordinarily like to post a funny or weird picture around now in the hope that you, the reading public, will so willingly oblige and comment with cute and witty captions. The only problem is that I've been all the way out to the end of the Internet (way, way past Anna Nicole and Britney's neighborhood) and I can't seem to find anything even remotely worthy of plastering up on the ole blogola today.

So, here's what we're gonna do . . .

Feedback Wednesday!

I know, I know. We're messing with the fabric of the Universe and treading a little less-than-lightly on all that is sacred.

But, who cares!?!

(Shut up, Un-paid Intern Guillermo or you'll have to re-count and collate the reader hate mail again.)

So, I'm driving into work this morning and my infinitely under-used and vastly over-rated brain just began thinking of random 2 word linkages.

Day Off

Grande Mocha

First Tracks

Large Pizza

Rainbow Trout

Found Money

It amazed me how utterly happy I could make myself simply by placing two words together and tossing them around awhile.

So, that's the homework assignment this time around . . .

What are some 2 word phrases that illicit a pleasurable response in you?

I can't wait to read all about it -

Ben O.

Big, Honkin' Announcement

2007-03-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

Okay people, it's that time again. The Management wants a little more flare and pizazz around here and they already rejected Evil Twin Biff's "Geriatric-Dancing-While-On-Fire-Hoola-Hoop-Enthusiasts" idea out of hand. For some reason they felt it didn't live up to the high moral standard we are trying to present here at The Station.

The problem is that ever since his baby, "T-Shirt Logic" (some of you die-hards may remember) was shelved due to budgetary concerns, Biff just hasn't been the same. He sleeps way past his usual 12:45 in the afternoon wake-time and has actually been seen out on the town with apparently happy, unrestrained women.

It's not good, people.

He simply is not himself.

That's why we are proud to announce the premier of a brand new, semi-regular feature here at Procrastination Station. (We had to do something.)

Entitled "Sub-Basement Post-It Notes", this promises to be the newest and most exciting item on our roster at least until the next new and exciting idea comes around.

Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.

'Cause if you don't Evil Twin Biff could very likely be out there in the workforce looking for an actual job . . . and nobody wants that.

Trust me - NOBODY WANTS THAT.

Ben O.

BTW - Like any good mystery, you'll just have to watch for the debut of "Sub-Basement Post-It Notes". Nobody knows when it will be.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

2007-03-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Okay people, here are my answers to the All Time Academy Awards.

Read 'em and weep . . .

1. The Best Actress in a role ever - Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham (Cute!?! Baby ducks are cute . . .)

2. The Best Actor in a role ever - Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca (Sophistication, intrigue, action, love, betrayal, heroism . . . it's all there.)

3. The Best Cinematography in a movie ever - Jacob's Ladder (This movie is so strange and part of the reason is because it looks amazing.)

4. The Best Costumes in a movie ever - Star Wars (You gotta love the Stormtroopers.)

5. The Best Screenplay for a movie ever - Memento (This is just an ultra cool story and it makes for a really good flick.)

6. The Best Song from a movie ever - Eye of The Tiger (Think about it . . . is it even possible to hear that song and not think of Rocky kicking bootie? I humbly submit that it is not.)

7. The Best Director of a movie ever - Francis Ford Coppola for The Godfather Series (This is how they live, right? I think actual gangsters try to act like those people.)

8. The Best Picture ever - Blade Runner (I almost said The Matrix here and for Screenplay, but I just couldn't pull the trigger. I do think The Matrix is one of the most important films of the past 20 years. Blade Runner is sort of the same way with me. Every time I watch it, I find myself wanting to live in the world it creates. Flying cars and perpetual rain . . . the future looks pretty darn sleek and sexy.)

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#34)

2007-03-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, Okay.

I know I've been gone.

The good news is that I'm back!

I said the good news is that I'm back . . . anyone . . . hello!?!

Oh well, let's have a go at this week's Caption Contest.

I think the picture is pretty good.

What do you think?

I'm looking forward to reading all of your captions/comments . . .

Ben O.

Good Day, Sunshine

2007-03-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Okay people . . .

As the three of you may have already noticed, the content here at The Station has been a lil' bit less than existent this past week or so.

I have a pretty good excuse for the slackage, though.

I was at the hospital where my beautiful wife and I were welcoming our first child into the world.

The staff here at Procrastination Station just got about 7 lbs and 6 ounces bigger.

We couldn't be more proud of our lil' boy. He's already stealing everyone's heart for sure.

And I personally couldn't be more proud of my wife. She's stronger than I could ever be and is already showing me how good a parent can be if they go at it with 110% devotion.

Fatherhood is so cool.

So, here's the deal . . . you loyal readers promise to keep coming around looking for stuff to read and I promise to get back to writing said stuff as soon as I can.

Diapers don't change themselves, people.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#33)

2007-02-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hello Internet Junkies!

I hope and trust that each and every loyal PS reader out there has something to be happy about today.

If not, whatever it is, it could be a whole lot worse . . . you could have just divorced your wanna-be hip-hop loser husband, run away from rehab (twice), flashed your hooha to the universe, shaved your head and gotten embarassingly beaten out for the best adapted screenplay oscar on internationally broadcast basic cable yet again.

That would really be crappy, now wouldn't it?

(Evil Twin Biff knows exactly how that feels, don't ya Bro!?!)

The good news is that Procrastination Station is a world-renowned beacon of progressive, forward thinking enlightenment and we have just the thing to take your feable mind off of your pathetic, miserable lil' life . . .

The Super Fantastic Caption Contest!

This week's pic is a gem for sure.

I am so looking forward to reading your comments (captions) on this baby.

Ben O.

Quick lil' Shout Out

2007-02-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

I was surfing some of my friend's blogs and I just had to mention something really funny over at Mark's blog - What a Savage.

Check it out, but try it at your own peril.

Ben O.

And The Oscar Goes To . . .

2007-02-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

As everyone already knows, the Oscars were handed out last night and my lil' independent film "Step on the Gas, Guido!" got snubbed yet again.

Darn-it-All

The good news is that we have a full 3 days until they announce the nominees for the Golden Globes, so I thought we might try and squeeze in a little awards show of our own before George and Leo stop hitting after parties and start patting themselves on the back again.

So, here goes . . .

The Official Procrastination Station "All-Time" Academy Awards

(We got 8 categories in our program here, people.)

1. The Best Actress in a role ever.

2. The Best Actor in a role ever.

3. The Best Cinematography in a movie ever.

4. The Best Costumes in a movie ever.

5. The Best Screenplay for a movie ever.

6. The Best Song from a movie ever.

7. The Best Director of a movie ever.

and

8. The Best Picture ever.

So, in case you didn't pick up on the theme, we want to know what your vote is for the best of all time in each category. The best part is that you don't even have to go with past winners. If you are convinced that the pinnacle of the art of acting is Abe Vigoda's performance in "Look Who's Talking", then who are we to keep you from casting your vote.

This should be alot of fun.

May I have the envelope please . . .

Ben O.

Feedback Friday (#56)

2007-02-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

Okay people, it's that time again . . .

You'll all be happy to know that myself, Evil Twin Biff and Raj the intern spent some quality time together last night at 3:45 AM down in the sub-basement cafeteria brainstorming about possible questions for Feedback Friday. After the vodka and slurpee buzz started wearing off, we actually came up with some pretty good ideas.

Here are the top 3 according to USA Today -

1. If you were an astronomer and had a gigantic telescope and discovered a new planet, what would you name it?

2. If you were a spandex and cape-wearing superhero, what would your super-power be?

3. What is your favorite James Bond movie (to watch in the nude)?

Since, we're all about equal opportunity here at The Station, we've decided to allow you to answer one, two or all three of the afore-mentioned questions. If you can't decide (and it certainly is a tough decision at that), flip a coin.

May I suggest that head's represent #1, tails can be for #2 and if it the coin lands on it's side and balances perfectly then you can go ahead and answer all three.

It could happen . . .

Ben O.

Is That a Valentine in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

2007-02-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

The 10 least effective things to say after forgetting to get your loved one a gift for Valentines Day -

1. I was unavoidably detained at a cozy lil' facility downtown and darn-it-all if they didn't offer me but just 1 phone call, baby.

2. I was going to wait to tell you this until our 3 month anniversary, but I'm a superhero and there was this mad scientist trying to take over the world and he just happened to pick Valentines day as the time to unleash his diabolical plan.

3. The line at Starbucks was really, really long.

4. I got confused and bought a keg of green beer, a stuffed four-leaf clover and a bunch of those lil' plastic hats. It's the thought that counts, right?

5. I wanted to get you some really nice, elegant lingerie, but that place that I like to go to out past the railroad tracks was all out of their neon Lil' Bo Peep outfits.

6. I wanted to dress up in a really nice, elegant outfit and surprise you, but that place that I like to go to out past the railroad tracks was all out of their neon Lil' Bo Peep outfits.

7. I had to fly to the Bahamas and take a paternity test to determine if I was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child.

8. The 13 voices in my head convened a meeting and collectively decided that it would be a better financial decision for everyone involved to boycott Valentines Day this year.

9. My pimp called late last night and said I had to hit the street.

10. Ozzy Ozbourne's new CD doesn't come out until next week.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#32)

2007-02-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

It's cold and snowy and cold and crappy and I'm not feeling too much like the eloquent poetic genius who penned the soon-to-be-holiday-classic located a few posts below.

I basically just want to sit on a beach and drink fruity, electric-blue drinks all day while waiting for the Sun to set.

Sound good?

I thought so.

Well, the reality is that we have to get the product out to the waiting masses.

So, here ya go . . . waiting masses.

I like today's picture. I think it has that something special that all of the really good caption contest photos have.

I'm looking forward to reading your comments on this one . . .

Ben O.

2007-02-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

Okay people, here's one for ya . . .

Feedback Friday, our flagship feature, has taken some hits and is sometimes not even on a Friday. But, I'm happy to announce that the beloved mainstay of that special last day of the work week is not going anywhere.

The crowd erupts in applause.

So, without any further prolonging of the inevitable, let's get right down to it.

This week, the Management wanted something really interesting, but all I could come up with was this -

What is your favorite time of the day?

That's it . . . that's the assignment this week.

Tell us all about your favorite time of the day. Perhaps you are a night owl and simply will not go to bed without having first exhausted all of the readily available infomercials on cable channel 274. You might prefer the early morning and are incapable of functioning without your 7th venti double from Starbucks each and every day. Hey, maybe you sleep until noon and then hit the ground running.

So, tell us all about it.

Ben O.

Ode to Snow

2007-02-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

So white and fluffy, the flakes start a fallin',
Lush and luxurious, a coating for all in . . .
The fields near the forest of trees big and tall,
Staying frozen forever like the eyes of a doll.

Nevermore does the glow of daylight warmth shine,
Icicles and tickles in the throat have arrived,
Billowy smooth blankets of whiteness sublime,
From the first to the last to the end of the line.

Oh, that we could all just continue to be,
Held hollow and fast, wrapped up tight in eternity,
And the only three things that we'll need to stay free,
Are a big stack of snowballs and a you and a me.

Whispering again, the wind is so eager to show,
What the trees and the fog and the snowboarders know,
That the virtue of patience and a lifetime of slow,
Can't beat a single day of fun playing out in the snow.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#31)

2007-02-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Where does the week go?

Unbelievably, it's already time for the first ever Super Fantastic Caption Contest in February '07.

Can you feel the electricity in the air?

Do you have your medical records up to date?

Is the pantry fully stocked?

Have the camels been shaved?

Are the hatches securely battened down?

Good, let's get on with it . . .

The picture this time around is a good one. Nothing too fancy, but I think there should be ample room for commentical improvisation.

I can't wait to read all those captions.

Ben O.

And The Award is Awarded To . . .

2007-01-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching my old-fashioned, non-tivo-having, low definition TV and in-between all of the commercials for the newest and greatest cell phones starring Peyton Manning and that ultra-annoying "can you hear me now?" doofus, I'm pretty sure I witnessed the most elusive and rare occurrence in the entertainment world . . . a solid hour where nobody gave anyone any awards.

Somewhere up in the Pacific Northwest, Sasquatch is reading this and just got his feelings hurt because he's no longer the rarest sight to be seen.

Anyway, in typical PS fashion, we don't just report the news . . . we live it!

So, I've decided to have my very own awards show.

Now, I'm no dummy. I know this has been tried many, many times already across the internet to far less impressive fanfare. Inferior bloggers than I (is that even possible?) have attempted and failed miserably at achieving recognizably sustainable humor because their skills were not finely honed enough. And, they didn't pay the gallery adequately to get them to laugh.

So, without further prolonged ado . . .

I give you the First Annual Procrastination Station "Look at Me, I'm Famous!" Awards show.

Here's how this is going to work. (And it WILL work . . .) Instead of Feedback Friday for the next week or so, We need all the input we can get from any and all readers on possible categories and worthy souls. Keep in mind this is fun-time (it ain't real, people), so try and avoid such obvious notions as "Best Picture", "Best Album" and "Best Performance in a Gap Commercial".

In true, Britney Agui-lohan fashion, we're eliminating any and all distinctions between TV, Film (that's movies to us ordinary folk) and Music. Anyone who wants to be famous and pretend they are a serious actor, can be. That's how our lil' awards show is gonna play out, Dog. Incidentally (in true real-word fashion), we're also eliminating any and all distinctions between quality and putrified crapola, in case you were wondering what that gosh-awful smell was.

So, let us not keep the gliterati waiting too long. They won't know what to do with themselves if we're not fawning zombie-like over them for a whole week.

Bust out that Dolce & Gabana swan dress Bjork, 'cause it's party time!

Ben O.

Don't Make Me Come Back There

2007-01-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

As any frequent reader will attest - I enjoy a good comic.

Here's one for ya . . .

Enjoy - Ben O.

BTW - If you haven't already, leave a comment for the Caption Contest down below.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#30)

2007-01-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

Do I even need to say that it's that time again?

Is anyone even out there?

Hello . . . anyone . . . Beuller?

(The sad part is that most people don't even get that one anymore. Oh the shame of it.)

Enough of my nonsense - let's get to this week's contest.

I like the picture this week.

Can't wait to read those comments . . .

Ben O.

Let's Watch it Again!

2007-01-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

It's time to address an issue that routinely plagues those of us who get older each day. That being the gap between how techno-savvy you thinks you is and the harsh, cold reality of how techno-retarded you actually are (like that grammar?).

Now, let me preface this already-too-lengthy rant by saying that I was among the first 250 people in line at Gibsons when Pac-Man came out for Atari (Don't believe me - check the photo.) So, I know a thing or two about hip, ultra-modern technological advances. I don't like to toot my own horn too often, but I've even downloaded songs from the internet.

I know . . . how do I stand myself with all that coolness?

So, here's the shocking part of this lil' story - amidst all the state-of-the-art comings and goings of my 21st century life, I suddenly realized that I had never posted anything to Youtube. For those of you who have never heard of Youtube, it's a website devoted entirely to the storing and spreading of homemade videos. We're not talking George Lucas, Stephen Spielberg or even Marty Flozenblatt here people . . . these videos are bare-bones at best. The other night, I think I watched a guy sitting at his kitchen table in the dark staring at his cheerios for 29 minutes, but I might have just been having a bad nightmare.

The point is that Youtube is the newest, hottest thing and in this wild and woolly world of unprecedented outdatedness, if you want to survive . . . you sometimes have to just close your eyes, pluck a few nose hairs and hold on for dear life.

So here goes -

My first official post to Youtube - "Snow Truck Removel".

Enjoy.

Ben O.

(Backstory - we had been watching this Cable truck trying to get out of the snow all morning when this other, larger truck came along and preceded to hork it right on out. I just happened to be shooting some still pictures of all the freakin' snow, and thought I might want to switch on the video mode for the upcoming event. The rest is cinematic history.)

Feedback Friday (#54)

2007-01-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm surprising my wife today (with the help of some really great friends). Don't worry, the last time she read the blog was back in '76.

The reason I bring it up is that it caused me to wonder about all you wonderful loyal readers out there and the surprises you've pulled off.

See where I'm going with this?

Yep, you guessed it . . .

That's it. That's the assignment this week.

Tell us all about the biggest, coolest, most surprising thing you've ever done for someone else.

Maybe it was the time you ordered 309,756 lime-green ballons and had them delivered to your spouse's workplace (consequently resulting in some forced time off for said spouse). It might be the time you took your best's friends entire home-school support group to the all-night-glow-in-the-dark-bowl-a-thon down at Funtime Lanes. Hey, it might even be that time you saved for a year and rented one of those airplanes to write "Don't listen to what your parents say . . . marry me!" in the sky over the Dolphins first home game. Remember how much fun that one was?

Can't wait to hear all about it.

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#29)

2007-01-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hey all you SFCC Fanatics out there!

It's that time again . . .

The picture this week is a little strange, but certainly worthy of the contest.

I can't wait to read all those comments -

Ben O.

The Song of The Week (#6)

2007-01-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

Ben O.

What's a lil' Tag Amongst Friends?

2007-01-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Okay people, the ever-popular Sadie Lou over at Sadico Junction has mercilessly hit us with the dreaded Alphabet Tag (in Dungeons & Dragons, that would have been a fatal blow). Seeing has how the general consensus in Blogland is that I need an update something fierce, I thought - what better way to start the week?

Here we go . . .

A - Available/Single or Taken? Totally Taken
B - Best Friend? My ultra-sexy wife and our soon to be newborn baby.
C - Cake or pie? Two words - Apple Pie. 'nuff said.
D - Drink Of Choice? Guinness Stout.
E – Essential Item You Use Everyday? iPod.
F - Favourite Color? Blue. It makes my eyes look oh so pretty.
G - Gummy Bears or Worms? Uh, do I have to pick? These things are nasty.
H - Hometown? Irving, Texas (former home of Texas Stadium)
I - Indulgence? Music. I consider it a hobby (listening, learning about, playing, etc.)
J - January or February? January, I guess. I like them both because they are perfect for skiing here in Colorado.
K - Kids & Their Names? 1 on the way. B/G
L - Life is Incomplete Without? A relationship with God
M - Marriage date? '97
N - Number of Siblings? Two.
O - Oranges or Apples? Apples (Macintosh, Gala and Washington Honeycrisp). I also like those lil' Clementine oranges alot, though.
P - Phobias/Fears? I used to think that I had a fear of flying, but I've since come to realize that in reality what I really have is a fear of crashing into the ground at 500 miles per hour. Go figure.
Q - Favourite (movie) Quote? (From "Raising Arizona") "Son, you've got a panty on your head."
R - Reason to Smile? Good cup of coffee. McDonald's french fries. The little things in life.
S - Season? Spring or Fall? 100% Fall. I like Spring the least (Sorry, Spring.)
T - Tag 3 people?
*Kathleen
*Terri
*Mark
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I am really not 7 feet tall, like the mainstream media would have you believe.
V - Vegetable you don’t like? What is that strange white broccoli thing. I don't like that too much.
W - Worst Habit? Coke (the drink, not the illegal narcotic).
X - X-rays You’ve Had? Arm and teeth
Y - Your Favorite Food? Pizza and french fries (try them together sometime - it's good)
Z – Zodiac sign? Gemini

Ben O.

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#28)

2007-01-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay people,

Another week, another photo/caption contest.

The picture this time around is a good one. Evil Twin Biff was crushed when management refused to use any of his shots from his recent trip to Deadmoose, Alaska. I actually thought the picture of those three naked golfers and their pet iguana was an exemplary piece of provocative photography, but Mortimer Van Snoofel down in legal said that it wasn't a good idea.

He's probably right.

Evil Twin Biff has been on a bender ever since.

Anyway, here's the picture we actually did decide to use this week . . .

I look forward to reading those comments -

Ben O.

Procrastination Station

Not-so-Jolly Holly

It Was About This Time a Year Ago . . .

The Longest Two Blocks

Feedback Friday (#82)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#59)

Feedback Friday (#81)

The Bane of my Blogging Existence

Feedback Monday (#80)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#58)

Feedback Friday (#79)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#57)

Feedback Friday (#78)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#56)

Feedback Friday (#77)

Biff Has Been Found!

Feedback Monday (#76)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#55)

372,824 Accountants Agree

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#54)

Jazz Appreciation Month

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 2)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#53)

Feedback Monday (#75)

The Adventure of Evil Twin Biff (Part 1)

Feedback Monday (#74)

Feedback Friday (#73)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#52)

The Most Depressing Day of The Year

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#51)

Feedback Monday (#72)

May I Have This Dance?

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#50)

Feedback Friday (#71)

Feedback Friday (#70)

Ten Little Piggies '07

Set the iPod for Stun, Captain

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#49)

Feedback Monday (#69)

The Proverbial End of the World

I Don't Think That's Legal, Dude

Does Anyone Have a Broom I Can Borrow?

Feedback Monday (#68)

What the Heck is Going on Here!?!

Top Ten Favorite Dance Titles

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#47)

Feedback Friday (#67)

No Purchase Necessary

The Rewind Button Shall Set You Free

Feedback Monday (#66)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#46)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#45)

Feedback Monday (#65)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#44)

Feedback Monday (#64)

Saving The Planet One Thong at a Time

Feedback Monday (#63)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#43)

Feedback Monday (#62)

Thanks for The Memories

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#42)

Feedback Monday (#61)

The Song of The Week (#7)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#41)

We're Here to Help

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#40)

Feedback Monday (#60)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#39)

Anna Nicole Has Left the Building

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#38)

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#37)

Feedback Friday (#59)

Feedback Friday (#58)

Kurt Vonnegut, Dead at 85

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#36)

The Geezer Gap

Sub-Basement Post-It Notes

Super Fantastic Caption Contest (#35)

Feedback Wednesday (#57)

Big, Honkin' Announcement